Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We should give the Syrian goverment hoodies and skittles... Then send George Zimmerman

   Whoever said you can't teach an old dog new tricks hasn't met my dog. I told him to play dead and after 5 straight day's he's still going strong...

   wondering how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie pop

   If woman are not suppose to cook then why did god naturally put milk and eggs in your body?

   I've a bottle of Champagne chilling for election night. If Romney wins I'll drink a glass. If Obama wins I'll drink the whole thing then start on whiskey....

   LIFE IS LIKE A BOWL OF SOUP..... YOU ONLY GET BLOWN IF YOU'RE HOT!

   so....my uncle came out of the closet yesterday....Oh, he's not gay....he just has Alzheimer's and thought it was his car....

   Not every idiot can read........But look at you go!

   Happy 4th of July! We did it America! We've almost completely ruined everything!

   We fought for independence so we wouldn't have to care about the royal baby.

   I don’t understand why some people are SO obsessed about having friends…. Last time I checked caskets didn’t come with bunk beds…. f*ck em.

   FYI - All backpacks are suspicious. Carry your $hit in your hands...

   Kissing is weird as hell. "Um I really like you so I'm going to taste the inside of your face for a little while."

   I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

   People hate the truth. Luckily, the truth doesn't care.

   I just got off the couch and I think I accidentally did yoga or some $hit.

   If you had to run through a Cambodian mine field, or let Lindsay Lohan drive you to the store, which running shoes would you choose?

   My favorite mythical creature is the happy b itches in tampon commercials.

   Politicians should have to wear NASCAR jumpsuits so that we know which corporations sponsor them.

   According to information given to me in my childhood, 1 out of 5 pigs eat Roast Beef.