Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There is Waaay to much stuff moving around on Facebook! My ADD is definately getting the best of me now!

   All I pray is that when I die the death certificate does not contain the phrases "straining at stool" or "unusual mummification".

   My optic nerve crossed with my a$$hole, and gave me a sh*tty outlook on life.

   " IDK Google it " When your kid asks you a question you know nothing about.

   It's really annoying when the feeling of your dream remains, but you can't remember what the dream was about.

   Chicken pot pie. My 3 favorite things

   I'd like to know what Obama or Romney propose to do about Youtube buffering.

   Can someone ask Al Gore how early Biden should show up at the VP debate? The altitude is 984 feet....I'm concerned

   I just had a "Stand your ground" moment with a black snake in my backyard, I hope the news media doesn't find out about it and instigate more rioting.

   Before you judge me: deal with what I've dealt with, Feel what I've felt, Survive what I've survived, Master what I have mastered and Overcome what I overcame.

   You this read wrong

   I just keyed 2+2=5 onto the hood of a Smart Car.

   So today was the first day of Obamacare and all the Dr offices were closed...

   The fastest land animal is a guy that sees a woman about to go through his phone...

   There was a near tragedy at my local shopping centre recently. A power cut left four blondes stranded on an escalator for almost five hours.

   DO NOT TEXT ME WHILE YOU’RE DRIVING I’m not trying to be the last unfinished message they find when your as% is wrapped around a tree.

   Jesus take the wheel, I'm updating my status.

   Why is there a show called "When animals attack"? It should be called "When stupid people go near dangerous animals."

   One of the things I like to say to a girl after we have sex for the first time is "Hmm, weird... I heard you were better."

   A Real Boyfriend will make sure he wears protection when Cheating.