Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   this one blows chunks. Keep scrolling...

   whats the difference between love & a sandwich? I'm great at making a sandwich

   i wanna give Taylor a Swift kick in the ass

   Just bought formula. Babies would be cheaper if they ran on gas!

   Water is life; without it we wouldn’t have coffee, whiskey or beer.

   Four things that can never be recovered: the stone after it’s thrown, the word after it’s spoken, the occasion after it’s missed, and the time after it’s gone.

   i'm prepping for Valentines day by eating a ton of Fiber.

   I miss being late for work because of morning sex. Now, it's because I dress my cat as Gandolph.

   Tell her something she’s never heard before…like the truth.

   If you ask what I'm thinking my answer will either be so offensive you'll never ask again, or so entertaining you'll ask again minutes later.

   I am a simple person with a complicated mind.

   Things may be in a constant state of change, but I don't give a flux.

   I don't leave any room for error, I make mistakes in whatever room I'm in at the time.

   my new years resolution is to keep my my new years resolution!

   Don't worry about being alone on Valentine's Day. Worry about being alone the rest of your life.

   assumes "don't try this at home" really means do it at a friend's house or when your parents aren't around.

   looks like there's a position open for an electrician at the Super Dome

   Having the worst day ever. There was no Traffic, All the roundabouts I passed were being cleared so fast I had to stop on the side of the road to read Facebook posts

   "I'm not usually like this", I whisper as I lie on the floor in the fetal position, at a job interview.

   Some people look forward to the morning to have a new challenge. I look forward to the morning to have my cup of coffee.