Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Things may be in a constant state of change, but I don't give a flux.

   I don't leave any room for error, I make mistakes in whatever room I'm in at the time.

   my new years resolution is to keep my my new years resolution!

   Don't worry about being alone on Valentine's Day. Worry about being alone the rest of your life.

   assumes "don't try this at home" really means do it at a friend's house or when your parents aren't around.

   looks like there's a position open for an electrician at the Super Dome

   Having the worst day ever. There was no Traffic, All the roundabouts I passed were being cleared so fast I had to stop on the side of the road to read Facebook posts

   "I'm not usually like this", I whisper as I lie on the floor in the fetal position, at a job interview.

   Some people look forward to the morning to have a new challenge. I look forward to the morning to have my cup of coffee.

   if you want to make me nervous, tell me that you love me.

   All I really need are two things: a lighter, and five minutes of being unsupervised.

   it really considered a date if I have to keep tipping her?

   I don't have an eating disorder so much as I have a doing the dishes disorder.

   You miss 100% of the shots you don't take, but you make 100% of the shots you don't miss.

   Be careful when a guy says "he loves you from the bottom of his heart",this may mean that "there is still enough space for another girl at the top"

   If yesterday was "May the Fourth Be With You" is tomorrow "Revenge of the Sixth"?

   If God loves us why do we have ear hair

   Good news is when your daughter pays back the $3000 she owes you. Bad news is when she gives it to you in singles that smell like whiskey & cigarettes.

   How does Ice-T order an Iced Tea without sounding like a douche?

   My thesaurus can beat up your vocabulary's ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.