Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There are certain things in life that are a waste of time and energy. That's why I don't hold in my farts

   Playing with your phone in public is the new I don't know what to do with myself.

   It's not a problem getting caught with your hand in the cookie jar unless it's while you're drunk and naked in your neighbors kitchen.

   If you come to my front door with a clip board I will just ask you if your clip board is an ipad until you leave.

   I need to find out what my company needs to do in order to get protests by topless women.

   The fact that women don't sell ad space (transparent stickers) on their cleavage is baffling to me.

   I'm trying desperately not to hate your existence but you keep talking nonsense.

   Coffee isn't a matter of life or death; it's a lot more important than that.

   Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like an ongoing series of slaps in the face with a sweaty sock.

   if I could describe myself with just one word, it would be "bad with directions..."

   Never go arm wrestling with a man who has been single for over a year.

   Arguing with women is like wiping your ass with a wagon wheel. The sh*t keeps coming back around.

   It's our 6 year anniversary today. I bought her flowers, a cake and went out for dinner at her favorite restaurant. But the evening was ruined when we ran into my wife!

   Quitting facebook has made it very difficult to stay in touch with all my fake friends.

   Whenever another man tells you, "You're a lucky man" in reference to your girlfriend. It's just a polite way of saying "Watch your back, I might just replace you"

   I don't drink to feel better about myself. I drink to feel better about being with you

   Ever had garbage in one hand, but you accidentally throw out the thing that you want in your other hand?..... Anyway, my grand-daughter's o.k.

   Thank you, flowers, for being the perfect way to say, "My love for you is beautiful but will die very soon."

   Me: Here you go officer. Cop: This is a notecard with “License thingie” written on it in red crayon. Me: I have one in blue if you prefer.

   I spit on a hotdog before eating it. I think I need to cut back on the por n.