Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Arguing with women is like wiping your ass with a wagon wheel. The sh*t keeps coming back around.

   It's our 6 year anniversary today. I bought her flowers, a cake and went out for dinner at her favorite restaurant. But the evening was ruined when we ran into my wife!

   Quitting facebook has made it very difficult to stay in touch with all my fake friends.

   Whenever another man tells you, "You're a lucky man" in reference to your girlfriend. It's just a polite way of saying "Watch your back, I might just replace you"

   I don't drink to feel better about myself. I drink to feel better about being with you

   Ever had garbage in one hand, but you accidentally throw out the thing that you want in your other hand?..... Anyway, my grand-daughter's o.k.

   Thank you, flowers, for being the perfect way to say, "My love for you is beautiful but will die very soon."

   Me: Here you go officer. Cop: This is a notecard with “License thingie” written on it in red crayon. Me: I have one in blue if you prefer.

   I spit on a hotdog before eating it. I think I need to cut back on the por n.

   this one blows chunks. Keep scrolling...

   whats the difference between love & a sandwich? I'm great at making a sandwich

   i wanna give Taylor a Swift kick in the ass

   Just bought formula. Babies would be cheaper if they ran on gas!

   Water is life; without it we wouldn’t have coffee, whiskey or beer.

   Four things that can never be recovered: the stone after it’s thrown, the word after it’s spoken, the occasion after it’s missed, and the time after it’s gone.

   i'm prepping for Valentines day by eating a ton of Fiber.

   I miss being late for work because of morning sex. Now, it's because I dress my cat as Gandolph.

   Tell her something she’s never heard before…like the truth.

   If you ask what I'm thinking my answer will either be so offensive you'll never ask again, or so entertaining you'll ask again minutes later.

   I am a simple person with a complicated mind.