Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   First 20 mins of my day: I don't wanna get in the shower, I don't wanna get in the shower. Next 20 mins of my day: I don't wanna get out of the shower, I don't wanna get out of the shower...

   One more reason that beer is good for you is that it's easier for your body to process than most other beverages. This is because it doesn't have to stop to change color.

   Any perfume that claims it will help you seduce a man is lying if it doesn’t smell like a pizza.

   We cover every dish we take to Grandma's house with aluminum foil. That way the Aliens wont be able to know what we're eating this time.

   I like people... From a distance.

   The Pope excommunicates Italian Mafia: I wonder who the next pope is gonna be...

   They say that nobody is perfect, then they say that practice makes perfect. I wish they'd make up their mind

   Walked by a child clutching a stuffed animal. The kid made the stuffed animal's paw wave at me & now I'm finding it hard to hate everything.

   Why is it socially acceptable to wear a bikini at the beach but not on the bus? At the end of the day I'm just a guy in a bikini on the bus.

   Turtles make an awesome jogging buddy.

   I don't even pick up the soap after I drop it in my own shower. There's just something about me I don't trust.

   My analysis reveals that, via his crafty use of the double negative,,, Ray Parker Jr was, in fact,, afraid of *some* ghosts.

   Instead of cleaning my house I just watch an episode of hoarders and think " Wow my house looks great"

   Sorry boss, can't come in today. National Donut Day is sacred to my people.

   Love is blind. It's also drunk, has a wooden leg, Tourette's, a crippling fear of heights & if you poke it with a stick it plays dead.

   The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.

   Words I'm incorporating into my vernacular: Vernacular, Incorporating

   All I want is to see you smile. That and maybe a pizza.

   I got the moves like Jagger, and the medical bills to prove it.

   Remember the good old days when sex was dirty and the air was clean?