Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ugh, this girl who woke up in my bed is SO needy. She's all "Who are you?" "What'd you put in my drink?"

   I need a BAD GIRL with good INTENTIONS

   There's a new unit of measure which measures 72 days - a Kardash.

   If there is one thing I learn from every mistake is I'll never get caught that way again.

   I'm placing myself in "time-out" until I'm able to play nice with others! This may take a few hours as there are stupid people everywhere!

   Dear Ladies: Wear more confidence than makeup.

   Your beauty is so rare, no one can find it.

   Remember when Disney used to produce cartoons, not teen sluts?

   Thought of something brilliant? Just google it, and you will soon realize how uncreative you really are.

   "Lets talk about safe IPs. Let's talk about piracy. Let's talk about all the good things and the bad things on your PC."

   I just dipped my Kit Kat into peanut butter and now I know why dogs will bite you if you get too close to their food

   I hate it when I read something on her3 thats so funny that I burst out laughing it makes my neighbors realize that I'm hiding under their bed.

   *Moments Before Ending A Phone Call: "All right, cool, yeah, ok, haha yeah, I know right!, tomorrow, yep. later man. all right..bye" (click)

   Does time fly when you're having sex or was it really just 30 seconds?

   For the love of God, ASK me, don't AXE me!

   They say that carrots help you see in the dark - that is crap! After 5 minutes of walking into stuff, I switched back to using a light.

   Stop warning stupid people and give evolution a chance to work its wonderful process.

   Don't waste your time with explanations: people only hear what they want to hear.

   Dear Women, We're not lying, we're trying to prevent you from killing us. Love, Men

   When they say, "Hello, sir. Can you sign this petition to end guilt-tripping outside of supermarkets?" Then I'll sign.