Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ever get the feeling you're living in a snowglobe someone won't stop shaking?

   Dear Mapquest: Why not start with driving direction #5; I am pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood...

   I'm so cold that I decided to start my own non-profit today. It's called PETAELG. That's People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals with the Exception of Lying Groundhogs

   Sign of the Apocolypse...Snooki is pregnant. Due 12/12

   I was playing with my new toaster in the bathtub today then I read the warning label and it said not to. I was shocked.

   I speak 4 languages, English, profanity, sarcasm & real sh!t

   My drug dealer cracks me up.

   FYI: If you are ahead of me in the checkout line and you tell me that you are sorry but you will be right back because you forgot something I bet you won't be back faster than I can't rub your apples under my arm pits and fart on your french bread.

   Alice on Facebook thinks getting dumped is the most painful thing ever. You’ve never caught you d*ck in your zipper, so shut up, Alice.

   Thinking about opening a Vietnamese/Italian restaurant and naming it Pho, get about it.

   Everyone's like "I love Obama" or "I love Romney" and I'm just over here like "I love whiskey and beer"

   Florida just became my favorite state, since Kanye West said he will boycott Florida!

   Every time Beyoncé types out her name, she has to google "Pokémon" and then copy/paste the "é".

   When I win the lottery I am going to buy all the raisin cookies in the world and throw them in the trash.

   I'm finally ready to tell my parents they're gay

   My ring tone is a woman faintly screaming 'Help me, Superman. Help me!' and then I run away, unexplained.

   They say a woman's work is never done. Maybe that's why they get paid less.

   I sometimes go to my own little world, but that's ok cause they know me there.

   Just because you're old and ugly, doesn't give you the right to be rude.

   Canada sure has some "NICE BEAVER"