Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The movie "Ted" is just Stewie and Rupert grown up

   Wondering if it's ok to ask someone with an eye patch,,,,, "Well, was it all fun and games up to that point?"

   First rule of ADHD club: Never talk about..Nice hat! You ever own a hamster? I did. Lost him in the dryer. Do you like dachshunds? Watch me do a cartwheel! Okay, who wants brownies?

   I wanted to do a mexican joke today but that's just crossing the border!

   If you search “askew” in google search, the page will tilt slightly clockwise. (Try it now).

   In honor of Michael Phelps 4th place finish, I'm firing up the bong.......

   I always wonder what the weather men in Arizona do with their time slot. "Well people all week, hot and no rain!" Back to you Jim.

   I'm not saying shes fat, I'm just saying if I had to pick five of the fattest people I know, she'd be three of them.

   How much for the sluts? Sir, that's a package of socks

   Every Chrysler commercial should begin with them apologizing for the PT Cruiser.

   Dear Liver: The holidays are almost over. Come on you can do this!

   Today was a bad day, first my ex was ran over by a bus, then I was fired from my job as a bus driver...

   Dear nose-phobic as*holes who made fun of me when I was a kid. Over the years, I have made almost nine figures in royalties from my TV special - while YOU clowns were strapped to the hood of some dude's truck. Karma's a b*tch. Love, Rudolph

   My dentist said I grind at night. I was like, ok stalker.

   Women belong in the kitchen. Men belong in the kitchen. Everyone belongs in the kitchen. There's food in there!

   There should be cell phone chargers & free WiFi in waiting rooms instead of magazines & crappy TV.

   When the morning hits your eye like a big smelly cow pie.... That's A-Mon-dayyyyyy......

   I'm not interested in anything that requires 5 hours of energy

   Don't wait for the perfect moment...Take the moment and make it perfect...

   Drugs give me the confidence to do things I never thought possible. Like, lead police on a 12 hour high speed chase.