Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every Chrysler commercial should begin with them apologizing for the PT Cruiser.

   Dear Liver: The holidays are almost over. Come on you can do this!

   Today was a bad day, first my ex was ran over by a bus, then I was fired from my job as a bus driver...

   Dear nose-phobic as*holes who made fun of me when I was a kid. Over the years, I have made almost nine figures in royalties from my TV special - while YOU clowns were strapped to the hood of some dude's truck. Karma's a b*tch. Love, Rudolph

   My dentist said I grind at night. I was like, ok stalker.

   Women belong in the kitchen. Men belong in the kitchen. Everyone belongs in the kitchen. There's food in there!

   There should be cell phone chargers & free WiFi in waiting rooms instead of magazines & crappy TV.

   When the morning hits your eye like a big smelly cow pie.... That's A-Mon-dayyyyyy......

   I'm not interested in anything that requires 5 hours of energy

   Don't wait for the perfect moment...Take the moment and make it perfect...

   ❒ Taken ❒ Single ✔ Taking singles to the strip club

   Apparently riding the dog like it's a small horse is FROWNED UPON in this ESTABLISHMENT!

   Having Grey Goose For Thanksgiving Dinner

   Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the promised land." Then about 75 years ago, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel

   Not a gal that finds it attractive or even complimenting when a married man hits on her. Keep it at home base, dude.

   says that the depressing thing about tennis is that, no matter how good you get, you will never be better than a wall

   When the World calmly tells you, "Give Up" on your struggles to success, You whisper back and say, "Hell...No"

   A recent survey showed 65% of Americans can't name a single Supreme Court justice and that's sad because HELLO Judge Judy.

   I hate allergies! Does anybody know how to turn Meth back into Sudafed? Just asking!

   If I aimed to please, I wouldn't piss on the seat.