Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's now OFFICIAL!!! Facebook has become the weather channel.... Yes I know its nice outside...but thank you for the updates every other min!

   I just discovered my oven CAN CLEAN ITSELF! Naturally I will be searching my apartment looking for similar buttons.

   thinks, nobody has interest in knowing what brand you wearing in.. so guys PULL YOUR PANTS UP !!!

   A movie ticket for a baby should cost at least $50.

   I left a note in the coffee area at work saying I had found five bucks. I hadn't found any money, but it was worth five dollars to learn which of my co-workers is a lying douchebag.

   I hate it when I get pissed, SLAM the door, storm out of the house.. then realize I have to go back in for my car keys..

   That Chinese tattoo on your neck must be the symbol for unemployment.

   When the hostess at the restaurant says "table for 2?" I always like to look surprised and whisper "you can see him too?"

   Dear Tostitos, make your dip jars shorter and wider so your chips can actually fit inside them. Thanks

   On the outside, I may appear like an emotionless sarcastic jerk, but just like an onion, when you peel off more layers, you find the exact same thing every single time and you start crying.

   I hate when people say, "I gotta get my body right for the summer." ...like, wtf are you going to do about your face???

   Dear lady in front of me , It is a speed bump , not a freaking land mine

   You're only limited by your own imagination! And money. And talent. And genetics. And time. And other people. Go for it!

   Take photos of friends with their face squished against glass. Assign to your phone contacts... it'll look like they're trapped inside your phone!

   i'd be scared if a 400lb glass of koolaid came bursting into my house......

   I was making dinner when a pan suddenly caught on fire. I don't know which is worse... the fact that I almost set my kitchen ablaze, or the fact that my first reaction was to move my beer to safety.

   At the grocery store, they usually have 6 check out lanes open, unless it's really busy, then they only use one.

   If you think it's necessary to judge me by my past, don't get mad when I put you there.

   I'll never understand dentists. They stab you with little metal hooks and then tell you "Your gums wouldn't bleed if you flossed more".

   I hate when you click a thumbnail to view a larger picture but the picture ends up being the same size as the thumbnail.