Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate when people say, "I gotta get my body right for the summer." ...like, wtf are you going to do about your face???

   You're only limited by your own imagination! And money. And talent. And genetics. And time. And other people. Go for it!

   Take photos of friends with their face squished against glass. Assign to your phone contacts... it'll look like they're trapped inside your phone!

   i'd be scared if a 400lb glass of koolaid came bursting into my house......

   I was making dinner when a pan suddenly caught on fire. I don't know which is worse... the fact that I almost set my kitchen ablaze, or the fact that my first reaction was to move my beer to safety.

   At the grocery store, they usually have 6 check out lanes open, unless it's really busy, then they only use one.

   If you think it's necessary to judge me by my past, don't get mad when I put you there.

   Dear AT&T Wireless, Thanks for transferring me to nine different agents with nine different accents...I am exhausted from this world-wide tour.

   I'll never understand dentists. They stab you with little metal hooks and then tell you "Your gums wouldn't bleed if you flossed more".

   I hate when you click a thumbnail to view a larger picture but the picture ends up being the same size as the thumbnail.

   I really think that Caller ID needs to be more detailed. It should say things like "Wants help moving" or "Will whine about bad relationship."

   Funny how things change with time, I used to hate spankings.. ;)

   I hate being bi-polar. It's awesome.

   I've currently got the higest eBay bid on Detroit.

   I want one of those jobs where people ask, “Do you actually get paid for doing this?”

   North Korea is becoming like that one person on your friend list that always threatens to close their FB account from lack of attention...

   Teacher: where is your homework? Student: I uploaded it on Facebook and I tagged you in it.

   She said "I think we should see other people." What I heard was "I already have a guy who's been on reserve for months."

   My best childhood memory was falling asleep on the couch and waking up in bed…. I miss teleporting. It never happens to me anymore.

   People don't call each other jive ass turkey enough nowadays.