Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There are many fish in the sea. There are many birds in the sky. There are many animals everywhere. How will that make me feel better?

   Lady, you were funny and interesting up about until that time you started talking about your boyfriend.

   Sometimes I think people are not sacrificing everything to make me happy and I don't like it.

   It's 3am and I was wondering why there are birds still awake and chirping outside my window. Must have gotten their sleeping patterns messed up...or they probably do shift work.

   In light of Dutchess Katherine going into labor Kanye West would like to remind everyone that his baby already has over 100 pairs of shoes.

   water is the leading cause of drowning...

   So Captain Crunch and Kate had a little crunchberry.

   Hey musicians; There is nothing wrong with doing dumb, desperate sh*t to promote your new album or stay relevant, but dropping good music is a better way to do it.

   She said I was crazy but I talked it over with the Coffee pot and the Tea kettle and they both agreed that she didn't know what she was talking about.

   Very little scares me. So does very big.

   Do you ever take two steps into a food court and think: "We are seriously overdue for a plague"?

   When you find it hard to keep a girl, find a girl that keeps it hard.

   We should all probably give Kim Kardashian a break. She's doing the best she can, breathing on her own and stuff.

   If you want to be successful in life just tell yourself this each morning ''I am smart. intelligent, qualified. now if a job wuld just come available I'll get it!!!''

   Regardless of your views, you gotta' agree today is a bad day to be a chicken in America

   Tax free weekend: the only two days out of the year that the government isn't fckng us.

   "Don't you play stupid with me!" shouted my wife. "Why would I play something I have no chance of winning?" I replied.

   I was texting on phone with my mom. She asked me if the weather was really bad. I typed, "Nah", but autocorrect spelled: 'Nag'. Now she won't take my calls.

   Don’t you hate it when you type in your username and password without looking at the screen, then after you press enter, you realize the cursor is not even on the login screen?

   As a mark of respect for Hugo Chavez who died yesterday, I've had his initials carved on my sink and bath taps