Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Very little scares me. So does very big.

   Do you ever take two steps into a food court and think: "We are seriously overdue for a plague"?

   When you find it hard to keep a girl, find a girl that keeps it hard.

   We should all probably give Kim Kardashian a break. She's doing the best she can, breathing on her own and stuff.

   If you want to be successful in life just tell yourself this each morning ''I am smart. intelligent, qualified. now if a job wuld just come available I'll get it!!!''

   Regardless of your views, you gotta' agree today is a bad day to be a chicken in America

   Tax free weekend: the only two days out of the year that the government isn't fckng us.

   "Don't you play stupid with me!" shouted my wife. "Why would I play something I have no chance of winning?" I replied.

   I was texting on phone with my mom. She asked me if the weather was really bad. I typed, "Nah", but autocorrect spelled: 'Nag'. Now she won't take my calls.

   Don’t you hate it when you type in your username and password without looking at the screen, then after you press enter, you realize the cursor is not even on the login screen?

   As a mark of respect for Hugo Chavez who died yesterday, I've had his initials carved on my sink and bath taps

   My neighbor complained I was playing Bruce Hornsby too loud. I told him, That's just the way it is.

   When a guy catches me naked in bed with his wife I just pretend I'm from the future. And ask for his clothes, his boots and his motorcycle.

   Sorry I got really drunk and ended up being really mouthy and offensive at your party next week.

   I laugh at my own jokes so you don't have to.

   You can never read a doctor's prescription, but you can sure read his bill

   Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.

   I don't know if It's considerate or Ironic that McDonald's wraps their hamburgers in toilet paper

   Sometimes I feel like you guys are only my friends for my statuses

   Music now a days sucks....Jim Morrison, dead; Kurt Cobain, dead; Biggie, dead; Justin Beiber, healthy as a god damn mule!