Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   a good laugh and a long sleep are the best two cures for anything :)

   September 24th was National Punctuation Day did you know this I didn't hear anything about it do we really need a day set aside for this

   I hope Taylor Swift gets her period soon and starts writing songs everyone over 9 will like…

   I hate when I visit the doctor and he smiles at me like everything is dandy. I'm sick you moron. Act grim, like the world's ending or something.

   Sarcasm is humor with an attitude.

   It's pretty scary that before facebook... All these thoughts and stuff just stayed in peoples heads.

   The male version of "Fifty Shades of Grey" arrives this Tuesday at Midnight. They are calling it "Halo 4" !!! Countless crowds are standing in line anywhere games are sold.

   It's really funny to see a cat fall off a bed, til it grabs your leg.

   I would love to be a fly on the wall at this restaurant because it looks like the flies are having some kind of party on the wall!

   To mistake me for stupid, is to mistake you for smart.

   People sometimes let you down… bacon never does. »

   There are many fish in the sea. There are many birds in the sky. There are many animals everywhere. How will that make me feel better?

   Lady, you were funny and interesting up about until that time you started talking about your boyfriend.

   Sometimes I think people are not sacrificing everything to make me happy and I don't like it.

   It's 3am and I was wondering why there are birds still awake and chirping outside my window. Must have gotten their sleeping patterns messed up...or they probably do shift work.

   In light of Dutchess Katherine going into labor Kanye West would like to remind everyone that his baby already has over 100 pairs of shoes.

   water is the leading cause of drowning...

   So Captain Crunch and Kate had a little crunchberry.

   Hey musicians; There is nothing wrong with doing dumb, desperate sh*t to promote your new album or stay relevant, but dropping good music is a better way to do it.

   She said I was crazy but I talked it over with the Coffee pot and the Tea kettle and they both agreed that she didn't know what she was talking about.