Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm in a very serious relationship, we don't even smile.

   The thing I hate most about getting too drunk at my office Christmas party, is looking for a new job the next day.

   Going to sleep with a t-shirt on is a great way to wake up knowing what a crocodile death roll feels like

   "No more Mr Nice Guy" ~ Mr Nice Guy's eulogy

   I'm wearing my heart in my chest again. The sleeve idea was dangerous and stupid

   Ladies, if all your pics are from the neck up, we have a good idea how the rest looks…

   My ideal job would be "Guy in infomercial who is legitimately baffled by simple, everyday tasks."

   wondering if the new iphone 5 comes with some kind of food stamp app

   When it comes to gifts, never look Sarah Jessica Parker in the mouth.

   a good laugh and a long sleep are the best two cures for anything :)

   September 24th was National Punctuation Day did you know this I didn't hear anything about it do we really need a day set aside for this

   I hope Taylor Swift gets her period soon and starts writing songs everyone over 9 will like…

   I hate when I visit the doctor and he smiles at me like everything is dandy. I'm sick you moron. Act grim, like the world's ending or something.

   Sarcasm is humor with an attitude.

   It's pretty scary that before facebook... All these thoughts and stuff just stayed in peoples heads.

   The male version of "Fifty Shades of Grey" arrives this Tuesday at Midnight. They are calling it "Halo 4" !!! Countless crowds are standing in line anywhere games are sold.

   It's really funny to see a cat fall off a bed, til it grabs your leg.

   I would love to be a fly on the wall at this restaurant because it looks like the flies are having some kind of party on the wall!

   To mistake me for stupid, is to mistake you for smart.

   People sometimes let you down… bacon never does. »