Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Women don't want to hear what you think...Women want to hear what they think- in a deeper voice."

   A fool and his money are soon dating women way too good looking for him.

   I would rather have a cure for the common hangover than the common cold.

   I'm thinking about becoming a psychic...But I don't know what people would think.

   Remember, life isn't about accumulating stuff. It's about making people insanely jealous of your stuff.

   You better hope my wildest dreams don't come true.

   They say the end of the world is very near, So what if Saturday is the end of the world? If I get sent straight to hell its going to take me at least a week to realize that I'm not still at work.

   They really need to add a “download this song illegally” button on Pandora.

   engagement ring: a down-payment for alimony

   Nothing says "screw work, and screw personal hygiene" quite like last night's bar stamp on my hand.

   What if...lollipops moaned every time we licked them

   Everyone hates planes babies are just honest about it

   Love doesn't cost a thing but it can leave you bankrupt.

   Love is blind but marriage will open your eyes real quick.

   when you Realize that loud sound in the dryer is your cell phone! DAMMIT!!!!!!!!

   I finally got some "me time" being away from the kids. Two whole hours. Would have gotten more, but my knees started getting numb from crouching behind the dryer.

   WAIT????.. Koalas eat 10x their body weight every day and everyone calls them adorable,,, but when I do it it's "disgusting" and "ruining our credit."

   I don't get women. Also, I don't understand them.

   This airline stewardess is pretty excited that we are all paying attention while she shows us how to fasten a seat belt, but I am pretty sure we are all just thinking about banging her.

   Every time I see someone with drawn on eyebrows, I want to ask them if the carpet matches the curtains