Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   engagement ring: a down-payment for alimony

   Nothing says "screw work, and screw personal hygiene" quite like last night's bar stamp on my hand.

   What if...lollipops moaned every time we licked them

   Everyone hates planes babies are just honest about it

   Love doesn't cost a thing but it can leave you bankrupt.

   Love is blind but marriage will open your eyes real quick.

   when you Realize that loud sound in the dryer is your cell phone! DAMMIT!!!!!!!!

   I finally got some "me time" being away from the kids. Two whole hours. Would have gotten more, but my knees started getting numb from crouching behind the dryer.

   WAIT????.. Koalas eat 10x their body weight every day and everyone calls them adorable,,, but when I do it it's "disgusting" and "ruining our credit."

   I don't get women. Also, I don't understand them.

   This airline stewardess is pretty excited that we are all paying attention while she shows us how to fasten a seat belt, but I am pretty sure we are all just thinking about banging her.

   Every time I see someone with drawn on eyebrows, I want to ask them if the carpet matches the curtains

   ♪♫ " The thrill is gone...."♪♫ Rest in peace BB King. Although many are singing the blues at the news of your death, I'm sure Heaven is singin' ♪♫" Let the Good Times Roll"...

   Sorry I got drunk and angry and said all those things I meant but still shouldn't have said.

   "Looks like we're all here. WHO WANTS HAMBURGERS?" I say to three cats & a cardboard cutout of Boba Fett at my 4th of July BBQ.

   5 manly shampoo scents: 1. Beef Jerky 2. Cigar smoke 3. Gun powder 4. Lawn clippings 5. Home Depot.

   I posed nude for an artist. He wore sunglasses and left the lights off.

   That was the worst presidential roast I've ever seen. Comedy Central would have done a better job.

   Still waiting for my wife to tell me what my 2016 resolution is going to be.

   If you zoom into the background on your selfies you can see your dignity disappearing into the distance.