Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   That awkward moment when your nose can't decide if it wants to sneeze or continue to make you look stupid… and then not sneeze at all!

   I hate trying new clothes on in the dressing room and then looking at yourself in the mirror after putting your old clothes back on.

   If you're lucky enough to still have a dad the best Father's Day gift would be to call the guy and ask his advice about something. Anything.

   ‎"Be excellent to each other." ~ Bill S. Preston Esquire & Ted "Theodore" Logan

   his own bunny rabbit and will name him George and hug him and pet him and squeeze him

   The recession is so bad, just today I saw a polygamist with only one wife, got a pre-declined credit card in the mail, and watched a truckload of Americans sneaking across the border into Mexico.

   I'm sick of hearing about Lance Armstrong. Is he telling the whole truth? My solution...Have Taylor Swift date him for two weeks and then wait for her next album, the whole truth will be revealed!

   It turns out if a person looks into your eyes for more than 6 seconds without blinking, he/she wants to either kill you or have sex with you.

   Life ain't nothing but: female dogs and gardening tools!

   my illegal housekeeper and I cancelled each others votes yesterday. Not sure what she said this morning but we high fived and laughed...

   ''Send me a pic'' never fails to ruin a conversation....

   You can tell a lot about a woman by her right foot, for instance; if it's travelling towards your bollocks at speed, she's upset with you.

   If I ever need a stair lift when I'm older... Gonna make sure it's a toilet, so I can take care of 2 things at once.

   My Dad should be in the Guinness Book Of World Records. I'm pretty sure no one has ever taken twenty seven years to go and get a pint of milk.

   It's funny when girl's think guys are hanging with you, just to be "friends" haha

   When a man pats a woman on the ass it's just a friendly way to say "Hi". That, and he wants to bang it like a screen door in a tornado.

   I used to be poor. Then I bought a dictionary, and now I'm impecunious.

   Art Gunfunkel is short for Arthur Garfunkel, and Paul Simon is short for a man.

   If your girl sets her Facebook relationship status to "Widowed", it's time to pack a suitcase as fast as possible.

   You had me at "I've got weed."