Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.

   College wall posts, Welcome back students. Sex is not allowed in the dorm rooms. The students are like, " Yeah Right "

   Forgot to wear my Sons of Anarchy shirt to Walmart again.

   I am wondering if female squirrells only get 80% of the acorns that males get

   I think it's rude for a deaf person to talk with food in their hands.

   Things to do.. #1 dig a hole #2 name it love #3 watch people fall in love

   When things get to stressful I hit the jim.......... Beam.

   The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?...”

   Service so bad the waitress owes you money

   I'm not the one who spent $600 on a first class ticket for my pet rabbit. Blame my wife!!

   Losing an argument with your woman? Just tell her "My mom was right about you" to get the upper hand.

   I, put commas, in, weird places, so that you, read my jokes, like, William Shatner!

   I’m already an idiot, I just need a village

   think about this. if you put a banana down you have to put it on its side. but if you slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why I don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem

   I’m going to start following my dogs lead and bite some ankles when you get too close to me.

   My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her. She bought me eye drops.

   Think I've been staying home isolating for too long as I just watched a Hallmark holiday Christmas movie in its entirety and I actually thought it wasn't corny.

   kicked out of the bowling alley for dribbling again

   My Grandmother is telling me a story of how my Grandfather turned into a sex machine after he got Alzheimer’s bc he thought she was his hot new girlfriend and would tell her, “you’re nothing like that hellcat I was married to”

   The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts while the stupid ones are full of confidence. Is this true? I have my doubts.