Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I believe every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises

   Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.

   Why is it, "A penny for your thoughts," but, "you have to put your two cents in?" Somebody's making a penny

   It's better to have loved and lost than to do forty pounds of laundry a week.

   I heard that the teen years are a time of rapid changes. I agree, but not exactly what I was expecting; since my daughter has turned 13 I have aged 20 years.

   I want my tombstone to read: Keep In Touch.

   I hate grocery shopping because I'm no very good at predicting what I'm going to feel like eating in a few days.

   An angry mob of nerds can be dangerous. The only thing stopping them from tipping cars is physical ability.

   so dependent on the Google "did you mean ____?" that I barely bother to spell anything correctly anymore.

   For fun I just increased the font to 200% and it looked like first grade all over again.

   My Pagophobia always seems to kick in around this time of year.

   I'm from a small town full of gossip. I used to catch up whenever I talked to my folks. Now whenever they tell me something, I already know. Thanks Facebook.

   It's simply way too hot today for me to believe global warming is real.

   I am definitely not a morning person. Unfortunately, my daughter is....and she hates the taste of NyQuil.

   nobody understands me quite like the voices in my head. But they are always telling me to do bad things like eat carbs and tip lousy!

   When I grow up, I want t be a weather man so I can be wrong every day and STILL make the big bucks!

   The existence of flamethrowers proves that someone once said, “I want to set those people over there on fire but I'm just not close enough.”

   Whatever the mind of man can conceive, it can achieve.

   They need to hurry the f**k up and make these damn robots! I'm not gonna live forever you know!

   They've asked me to appear on “I Shouldn't Be Alive.” I didn't survive anything. They just don't like me.