Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You are accusing me of talking about you behind your back? I am sorry; it's just that your a$$ and your face look the same to me.

   I've just seen an advert for a cruise offering "ocean views". That's a shame, I wanted to stare at the f-kin engine for a week!

   Don't you hate it when you're right, but you're the only person in the room that knows it, so as far as everyone is concerned, you're just wrong.

   the art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook!!!

   You don't have insomnia, you have a f#cked up sleeping pattern.

   Yes, m@sturbation is a pleasant, yet quick diversion. Scratching one's own b@lls however, can provide hours and hours of limitless entertainment. At least that's what my dad says.

   I don't hate you, it's just my attitude has some major issues with your personality.

   This is nothing but a sausage fest ~ guy working at Jimmy Dean

   If you don't have any critics, you probably don't have any success either!

   Love is always giving more than you can spare.

   If they bought food instead of paints and brushes, there would be far less Starving Artist's.

   So glad I'm a guy. Haven't fought with a friend since 1985.

   If you use the term YOLO, then you are more than likely using these other popular phrases: “Would you like fries with that?” “Welcome to Walmart.” “Yes Officer. You may search my car under the terms of my probation.”

   It's cool how my wife can have an entire argument with me without me ever saying a word.

   i hope to one day be important enough to have my own Wikipedia page...

   So,,, The dog won our farting contest... I'm going to bed to think about what I could've done differently.

   Oh, you're a model? What's your agency? Instagram?

   If facebook had an anonymous button, then all hell would break loose.

   They discovered bed bugs can procreate with their siblings. This is not the image boost bed bugs needed.

   In my books, The Higher the Heels.. The Higher her Standards.