Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   think about this. if you put a banana down you have to put it on its side. but if you slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why I don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem

   I’m going to start following my dogs lead and bite some ankles when you get too close to me.

   My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her. She bought me eye drops.

   Think I've been staying home isolating for too long as I just watched a Hallmark holiday Christmas movie in its entirety and I actually thought it wasn't corny.

   kicked out of the bowling alley for dribbling again

   My Grandmother is telling me a story of how my Grandfather turned into a sex machine after he got Alzheimer’s bc he thought she was his hot new girlfriend and would tell her, “you’re nothing like that hellcat I was married to”

   The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts while the stupid ones are full of confidence. Is this true? I have my doubts.

   No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.

   Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.

   It's safe to assume that anyone who has a wedding band tattooed on their finger was not a statistics major.

   n't it curious that the SAME FBI interviewed the Orlando Shooter 3 times and found nothing incriminating ..... ALSO interviewed Hillary Clinton and found nothing incriminating!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ....... Ya folks ..... We're really in good hands now!

   "Melania's Speech was 100% real... Trust Me I was THERE!" - Brian Williams

   The mind is like a parachute .... It doesn't work if it isn't open.

   Calm down,,, the rhythm is not going to get you.

   I hate those people who ride your bumper and then start flashing their lights at you. Like, Hey- look at me, I’m driving an ambulance.........

   Gary Johnson is the Discover Card of presidential candidates. You'll use him in a pinch, but you're kind of embarrassed about it.

   At this rate, it's starting to seem like Americans will be voting on which candidate to keep out of jail in November.

   If you're valet parking your PT Cruiser you should just hand over the keys and tell them to drive it off a cliff.

   I got mugged by 6 dwarves last night... Not Happy.

   I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.