Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I was a kid my nightmares usually involved me going to school in my underwear. Now, they involve me going to the bathroom with out my phone.

   I hate when women reject me cause I don't have money. I want them to reject me for who I truly am

   i live in a land of fantasy so keep your reality the hell away from me.

   The early bird needs a punch in the throat.

   Karen on Facebook says she's… "Grabbing 2013 by the b*lls!" Karen's been a total slut since the divorce.

   Which came first, tired or cranky?!

   this bottle of scotch will mix well with this evening's decisions

   "I'll need a table for 5 and napkins for 70.".... -- Me, with my wife and kids entering any restaurant--

   If Kellen Winslow offers to bring you Boston Market, say NO!

   Excuse me but which level of Hell is this?

   I knew my girlfriend was getting fat once she started fitting into my wife's clothes.

   Sorry I knocked your baby out of your arms during my air drum solo, but Metallica.

   Talk to your kids about drugs. Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don't wanna be a nerd parent.

   You had me at "this is a bad idea"

   you never know a crossfitter works out just by looking at them, that's why they have to tell you about it every ten minutes.

   Coworker: I saw you at Starbucks this morning but didn't say hi Me: Thanks

   Happy National Waffles day. Waffles are just pancakes with abs!

   Thought for sure I'd get Vicoden or Percocet, but my optometrist only prescribed reading glasses

   You know, if Facebook is conflicting with your real life relationships then it's time to take a break. We need your full commitment over here!

   I'm beginning to think that my destiny in life is just to be a bad example that other people can learn from.