Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "I'll need a table for 5 and napkins for 70.".... -- Me, with my wife and kids entering any restaurant--

   If Kellen Winslow offers to bring you Boston Market, say NO!

   Excuse me but which level of Hell is this?

   I knew my girlfriend was getting fat once she started fitting into my wife's clothes.

   Sorry I knocked your baby out of your arms during my air drum solo, but Metallica.

   Talk to your kids about drugs. Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don't wanna be a nerd parent.

   You had me at "this is a bad idea"

   you never know a crossfitter works out just by looking at them, that's why they have to tell you about it every ten minutes.

   Coworker: I saw you at Starbucks this morning but didn't say hi Me: Thanks

   Happy National Waffles day. Waffles are just pancakes with abs!

   Thought for sure I'd get Vicoden or Percocet, but my optometrist only prescribed reading glasses

   You know, if Facebook is conflicting with your real life relationships then it's time to take a break. We need your full commitment over here!

   I'm beginning to think that my destiny in life is just to be a bad example that other people can learn from.

   According to my calculations, 2025 is going to be the best year ever - I will finally run out of Conditioner the same time as the Shampoo, It's the little things in life I tell ya!

   Misery loves whiskey. F cuk company.

   If by a blow job you mean blowing everything out of proportion then yes I totally rock at blow jobs

   My business card is a picture of me looking inside the fridge.

   My seduction technique is to make things awkward and then not talk to you for a while

   It wasn't weird until you expected me to act normal.

   Does this silence make me look antisocial?