Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Did you know it's physically impossible for 3 women to take a photo together and not do the Charlie's Angels pose?

   When I see a overly tan guy wearing jorts, I have to wonder if he's still making payments on that Miata.

   When Billy Joel is singing "I Don't Want Clever Conversation I Want You Just The Way You Are". Is he replying that she's stupid?

   My bud just updated his Facebook status: "I love my girlfriend so much. You are my world xxxxx." I wonder why her name's encrypted.

   The lady at the gambler's hotline must be a good luck charm. Right after our chat, I won $50 on an scratch off ticket.

   my neighbors house looks like Feliz Navidad threw up.

   It doesn't have to make sense if it makes people laugh.

   You seem crazy,,,, But let's buy tambourines and see how far we can take this...

   My brain will dispose of you in a split second, my heart on the other hand will hold on like a hoarder.

   To stay organized I wear cargo pants and a fishing vest yet I can never find a thing, like my lighter or keys or a girlfriend...

   I took out an ad for a girlfriend recently and 10 guys tried to give me theirs...

   What came first? The alcohol or the bad life decision?

   My kinda woman has more sex swings than mood swings.

   My wife married me because I have a heart of gold. Then she cut it out of me, hocked it and bought shoes.

   If anyone needs to get a clue, I have an extra one in my desk.

   In the divorce I made sure to take the laptop, because browser history.

   You couldn't handle five minutes in my head.

   I'm passed out drunk on the side of the road to success.

   I've decided that I want to die from a severe Pizza Overdose.

   It's important to keep your relationship fresh. So, always look for creative new ways to get even.