Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You seem crazy,,,, But let's buy tambourines and see how far we can take this...

   My brain will dispose of you in a split second, my heart on the other hand will hold on like a hoarder.

   To stay organized I wear cargo pants and a fishing vest yet I can never find a thing, like my lighter or keys or a girlfriend...

   I took out an ad for a girlfriend recently and 10 guys tried to give me theirs...

   What came first? The alcohol or the bad life decision?

   My kinda woman has more sex swings than mood swings.

   My wife married me because I have a heart of gold. Then she cut it out of me, hocked it and bought shoes.

   If anyone needs to get a clue, I have an extra one in my desk.

   In the divorce I made sure to take the laptop, because browser history.

   You couldn't handle five minutes in my head.

   I'm passed out drunk on the side of the road to success.

   I've decided that I want to die from a severe Pizza Overdose.

   It's important to keep your relationship fresh. So, always look for creative new ways to get even.

   Please don't do your soul searching at the bar, some of us are trying to enjoy our whisky here.

   You can't believe anything a woman says when she's in the trunk of your car.

   Girls pick jerks over nice guys the same way guys pick sluts over cool girls.. we are all idiots.

   Dear God, when I said six figure salary, I didn't mean only zeros.

   My other palindrome is a kayak.................................... my new bumpersticker

   There's no better feeling than proving someone wrong!

   The sexual tension between me and this woman is so high that she's using codes like 'can I take your order?'