Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "You suck! No, you suck!!" - Two women in a threesome

   Two countries got Independence in 1947.. One reached Mars, while the other is still trying to enter India..

   "Smells like...spring cleaning & fresh flowers"... *takes off blindfold*..."Nope, dead grandma!"..... - worst Febreze commercial ever

   It is now day 11 of the government shutdown and we knew sooner or later something like this was going to happen. Despite the national parks being shut down, several men were severely mauled by bears yesterday. But enough about the New York Giants.

   If watching the big-screen TV with a bag of Doritos is wrong, then they shouldn't have couches at this Best Buy...

   Fart when people hug you.....it makes them feel strong.

   Some guy just asked me for the time like its 1993 or something.... "Hold tight my good fellow, allow me to fetch my time piece from my pantaloons"

   Fatty acids are just regular acids that take selfies from high angles

   Who wants to go Smart Car Tipping?

   I find it fascinating that the Media always has a hard on to ask Ivanka Trump about how HER father treats women .... BUT for some reason NO media outlet whatsoever ...... NEVER asks Chelsea Clinton that. .... Curious isn't it.

   We Found Love in a Swollen Face - Chris Brown ft. Rihanna

   I have a plan that will give us oil for hundreds of more years. Unfortunately, it hinges on the Earth being shaped like a tube of toothpaste.

   The Best Things in life are unseen. That's why we close our eyes when we KISS, CRY, and DREAM.

   My chemistry teacher asked us what the heaviest metal was today. Apparently "Megadeath" was the wrong answer.

   The only thing worse than the “FRIEND ZONE” is the "SHE-THINKS-YOU-ARE GAY-ZONE".

   It's sad that we don't truly appreciate a person until they die.

   I don't understand why you're mad. I used YOUR name as my password, honey! :) Who cares if the "hint" to retrieve it is ....BlTCH?

   Emotionally: I'm done. Mentally: I'm drained. Spiritually: I'm dead. Physically: I smile.

   Someone's been sleeping in my bed, said Papa Bear. Someone's been sleeping in MY bed, said Mama. Why don't you share a bed?! cried Baby Bear

   Def Need a " facebook filter" to prevent all the weddings and babies from showing up on my feed.