Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey, people who back their cars into parking spaces. I've seen enough overachieving out of you for the day.

   Can I just date your mouth?

   “Until death do us part” means we’re all single in heaven, right?

   The Best feeling ever: Waking up and seeing you still have a couple hours to sleep.

   Today I am WONDER WOMAN ... I will wrap my head and wrists in foil, stuff my Bra, hike up my grannie panties, and I will wonder.

   I need to wash this beer down with another beer

   My next girlfriend I am going to train like my dog. She will be loyal, obedient, and lick herself.

   My favorite food is knowledge. Unless I’ve been drinking, then it’s p ussy.

   The best moves in life are made in silence. Don't talk about it. Just do it and let them talk about it. Failure talks. Success walks.

   Dear Santa, Do not eat any cookies from Colorado and Washington this year.. May cause drowsiness.

   lookin' like a fool with his pants on the ground.

   I'm eating cold soup with a fork. Windows 7 was my idea.

   You don't drag a woman out of a strip club! You put a twenty in your zipper and you back out, slowly.

   Blaming a Happy Meal your kid is too fat, is like suing a gym for losing weight.

   Some people are still alive today only because it's against the law to kill them

   I hear my neighbor is holding her Saturday night mass. "Oh god! "Oh lord!" Oh jesus!"

   Saw a black velvet Kenny Rogers painting today. I wish I was kidding, but I'm not.

   Our welcome mat is missing its L. I'd leave it that way but I'm afraid it'll look like we're bragging.

   Women need to learn that, "most of my friends are guys" just means you have a list of dudes who harbour secret ambitions of banging you someday.

   to everyone who sends me request in Farmvillie I'm gonna send you a tree for ur farm so you can hang yourself!!