Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   NFL players are getting kind of soft. I've seen harder hits in an elevator

   My resume is just a piece of paper that says "Please don't Google me."

   "I bet you $50 I can come on the cab driver's neck before we get there" *Things to say on your phone in a taxi that will cut your drive time in half*

   If you have a car payment on your Kia, you're doing it wrong...

   I love running my fingers through my girlfriend's hair. It's also a great way to let her know we're out of napkins.

   Getting Sticky Buns from a bakery is awesome. Getting Sticky Buns from the toilet seat at work... not so much ツ

   I saw a fat guy with a "M.O.B." tattoo on his arm. I asked "money over b*tches?" He said "No, McDonalds over Burger King.

   Hey, people who back their cars into parking spaces. I've seen enough overachieving out of you for the day.

   Can I just date your mouth?

   “Until death do us part” means we’re all single in heaven, right?

   The Best feeling ever: Waking up and seeing you still have a couple hours to sleep.

   Today I am WONDER WOMAN ... I will wrap my head and wrists in foil, stuff my Bra, hike up my grannie panties, and I will wonder.

   I need to wash this beer down with another beer

   My next girlfriend I am going to train like my dog. She will be loyal, obedient, and lick herself.

   My favorite food is knowledge. Unless I’ve been drinking, then it’s p ussy.

   The best moves in life are made in silence. Don't talk about it. Just do it and let them talk about it. Failure talks. Success walks.

   Dear Santa, Do not eat any cookies from Colorado and Washington this year.. May cause drowsiness.

   lookin' like a fool with his pants on the ground.

   I'm eating cold soup with a fork. Windows 7 was my idea.

   You don't drag a woman out of a strip club! You put a twenty in your zipper and you back out, slowly.