Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Saw a black velvet Kenny Rogers painting today. I wish I was kidding, but I'm not.

   Our welcome mat is missing its L. I'd leave it that way but I'm afraid it'll look like we're bragging.

   Women need to learn that, "most of my friends are guys" just means you have a list of dudes who harbour secret ambitions of banging you someday.

   to everyone who sends me request in Farmvillie I'm gonna send you a tree for ur farm so you can hang yourself!!

   The diamond ring on your finger says "married" but the reveling clothes you are wearing says "still looking."

   I need a female exercise partner. When I say exercise I mean emotionless sex.

   I think the whitest thing about me is after I get my hair cut, I like to leave the barber shop.

   NFL players are getting kind of soft. I've seen harder hits in an elevator

   My resume is just a piece of paper that says "Please don't Google me."

   "I bet you $50 I can come on the cab driver's neck before we get there" *Things to say on your phone in a taxi that will cut your drive time in half*

   If you have a car payment on your Kia, you're doing it wrong...

   I love running my fingers through my girlfriend's hair. It's also a great way to let her know we're out of napkins.

   Getting Sticky Buns from a bakery is awesome. Getting Sticky Buns from the toilet seat at work... not so much ツ

   I saw a fat guy with a "M.O.B." tattoo on his arm. I asked "money over b*tches?" He said "No, McDonalds over Burger King.

   Hey, people who back their cars into parking spaces. I've seen enough overachieving out of you for the day.

   Can I just date your mouth?

   “Until death do us part” means we’re all single in heaven, right?

   The Best feeling ever: Waking up and seeing you still have a couple hours to sleep.

   Today I am WONDER WOMAN ... I will wrap my head and wrists in foil, stuff my Bra, hike up my grannie panties, and I will wonder.

   I need to wash this beer down with another beer