Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I love bald men with no dress sense that make me feel bad about myself....I swear I will marry one...ok?

   There's a new social networking site for girls with great bodies but not so great faces. It's called Butterfacebook

   Thinking that they need to change the name from child support to lifestyle support...

   It drives me nuts when people say "I could care less" which indicates that you do infact care. But if you "COULDN'T care less" that, my dear friend, is when you really don't give a sh*t.

   hasn't had sex since the last time you were out of town.

   the one question that baffled researchers for ages..where are my keys?

   It's so cold outside right now that angry drivers are flipping each other the mitten!

   And as another Christmas ends my mind drifts and once again, I'm thinking like a six year old. Only 364 days to go.

   Donald Trump accuses Hilary Clinton of taking performance enhancing drugs for their last debate. Some jokes just write themselves. lol

   They put up signs on my street for "Slow Children." I knew these kids were stupid but damn, do they really need to advertise it????

   I'm going to take a much needed break from reality, so I'm logging off, and getting some work done...

   Why is it that your ugliest friend is the most afraid of getting roofied? You want to tell them “relax, you can take the coaster off your drink, there's at least three of us in line before you.”

   Being in LOVE is like Being DRUNK. No control over what you do.

   Today I saw two of my Facebook friends join a group called "I hold my boobs when I run down the stairs"

   I'm not only a workaholic, I drink at home too.

   It's all fun and games until you know there's candy involved... then it gets SERIOUS! :)

   People who say you "tweet too much" need to take their asses back to MYSPACE cause you won't be seeing anything "too much".

   The only reason nice guys finish last is because they're holding the door for everyone else.

   Why do I knowingly pick the bad choices in life. I know I'm going to pay for it in the end but it sure looks like its going to be fun in the mean time

   So why do people say they're speechless... And then give a speech?