Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   An erection is like the theory of relativity. The more you think about it. The harder it gets.

   I'm not saying it's cold out or anything, But I had to put vodka in my juice this morning on the way to work to keep it from freezing.

   My super power is inching forward at a red light to make it change to green...

   Donald Trump accuses Hilary Clinton of taking performance enhancing drugs for their last debate. Some jokes just write themselves. lol

   They put up signs on my street for "Slow Children." I knew these kids were stupid but damn, do they really need to advertise it????

   I'm going to take a much needed break from reality, so I'm logging off, and getting some work done...

   Why is it that your ugliest friend is the most afraid of getting roofied? You want to tell them “relax, you can take the coaster off your drink, there's at least three of us in line before you.”

   Being in LOVE is like Being DRUNK. No control over what you do.

   Today I saw two of my Facebook friends join a group called "I hold my boobs when I run down the stairs"

   I'm not only a workaholic, I drink at home too.

   It's all fun and games until you know there's candy involved... then it gets SERIOUS! :)

   People who say you "tweet too much" need to take their asses back to MYSPACE cause you won't be seeing anything "too much".

   The only reason nice guys finish last is because they're holding the door for everyone else.

   Why do I knowingly pick the bad choices in life. I know I'm going to pay for it in the end but it sure looks like its going to be fun in the mean time

   So why do people say they're speechless... And then give a speech?

   Never say “that won't happen to me!”, because life has a funny way of proving us wrong.

   Casey Anthony has been seen in a WHITE FORD BRONCO driving away from the COURTHOUSE. Unconfirmed reports state Al Cowligs is driving.....

   The sad part about this whole Casey Anthony ordeal is that she will probably have her own TV show.. and write a book that half of the americans will buy... its sad.

   wondering what it takes to kill that 0.01% of germs.

   Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.