Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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"Laws should be like clothes. They should be made to fit the people they serve.

←Rate | 10-28-2013 04:42 Comments (0)

Sure the early bird gets the worm, but what does that say about the worm? He got up early too... Well, the point is,,, Ummm.

←Rate | 11-15-2013 08:51 by snotty Comments (0)

If a girl doesn't answer you immediately, it's only because she's telling all her friends about what you just said.

←Rate | 11-26-2013 12:16 Comments (0)

When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the "math" part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.

←Rate | 12-03-2013 05:44 by Huck Comments (0)

my brain has too many tabs open.

←Rate | 12-20-2013 11:22 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)

The way my kids freak out on Christmas morning, that's the way I feel right before I open my breakfast beer!

←Rate | 12-24-2013 07:24 by Lil-David Comments (0)

I don't know about you but I'm that guy who will strike up a conversation with you while waiting in a long line.Tell a joke to all the people standing there to change their day and mine also. I enjoy people..... and life is too short!

←Rate | 12-26-2013 19:51 by EF Comments (0)

Funny how the russians are so anti gay, yet they got a metal in mens figure skating

←Rate | 02-07-2014 10:55 by Joseph Robert Comments (0)

Sorry, I brought neither the noise or the funk today.

←Rate | 07-14-2012 05:00 by Huck Comments (0)

JUSTIN BIEBER: "I'm famous because I have thousands of fans and I am only 18." GOKU: "B!tch I have billions of fans and I don't even exist."

←Rate | 07-18-2012 17:45 by Danmanz Comments (0)

Life gave you lemons because you stood around with your hands out waiting for someone to give you something. Pick your own goddamn fruit.

←Rate | 07-19-2012 02:44 Comments (0)

Beauty of Vodka:It looks lik Water!! Beauty of School:Water Bottles are Allowed Irony of Life:We didn't Realize This During Our School Days.

←Rate | 07-29-2012 07:21 by Zubindalal1 Comments (1)

Do magazines really have to add "Alive" to "Sexiest Woman" or am I just grossly underestimating the number of necrophiliacs in the world?

←Rate | 07-29-2012 09:46 by griff Comments (0)

Just listened to Call Me Maybe for the first and last time.

←Rate | 07-30-2012 02:52 Comments (0)

Two things: 1. There are no ugly girls. Everybody is beautiful in their own special way. 2. Just kidding.

←Rate | 08-18-2012 13:42 Comments (0)

If a fat lady gives me a donut, I consider it a sacrificial act on her part.

←Rate | 08-18-2012 14:21 Comments (0)

Redial; because hanging the phone up on you once isn't good enough...

←Rate | 10-09-2012 16:41 Comments (0)

It makes me very uncomfortable when the doctor is checking my balls for lumps. Especially during a prostate exam.

←Rate | 10-09-2012 21:57 by Dogbite66 Comments (0)

Killed a spider without screaming so I'm pretty sure I'm about to get elected as the next Secretary of Defense.

←Rate | 10-10-2012 11:41 Comments (0)

When I turned 40,,, the fast Super Mario music started playing.

←Rate | 06-29-2013 16:19 by snotty Comments (0)