Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Oscar Pistorius' bail cost an arm and a - oh wait...

   I have laughed more in the first 30 mins of the 2013 Oscars than all others combined!

   Here's to a long life and a merry one. A quick death and an easy one. A pretty girl and an honest one. A cold beer and another one. #Happy St. Pattys Day

   I promised my boss i'd come in early for work on monday Aint that a great April fool's prank......

   Yeah,, I've tried boxers before,, but everytime I ran, it felt like someone was shooting dice in my pants..

   How can something I can't get rid of be called 'leaves'?

   Thank you internet. before you came along, I had to stare out the window to laugh at strangers.

   I've been in a relationship so long I have forgotten what its like to have somebody find me sexually attractive.

   at work, we call the boss Blister because he doesn't show until after the work's done...

   Dear Santa, Please send your credit card numbers. it's only fair since you're getting the credit for the gifts, that you should start paying for them also.

   Was asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently, "A way out" wasn't the right answer...

   When I was kid, werewolves and vampires were scary. Now everybody wants to date them...

   New Word: "Shoepidity"… the act of wearing ridiculously uncomfortable shoes just because they look good.

   An erection is like the theory of relativity. The more you think about it. The harder it gets.

   I'm not saying it's cold out or anything, But I had to put vodka in my juice this morning on the way to work to keep it from freezing.

   My super power is inching forward at a red light to make it change to green...

   Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.

   hasn't had sex since the last time you were out of town.

   the one question that baffled researchers for ages..where are my keys?

   It's so cold outside right now that angry drivers are flipping each other the mitten!