Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm a leader not a follower! Unless its a dark place, then F that, you're going first!

   My quest for greatness has turned into a blind fumble for ok.

   Women are having sex? Oh geez, I need to tell my wife.

   It's like my boss doesn't even appreciate that I'm not drinking on the job right now.

   I just put cheese spread on a Cheez-It and now I understand quantum physics.

   No Hulu, no ads are relevant to me, because I lack the funds to have any purchasing power whatsoever.

   I believe if a tree and a woman fall in the woods....the woman still makes the noise!!

   My relationship with my first wife was very psychological...she's psycho and I'm logical.....

   Moving-on is like drinking a cough syrup, it tastes horrible but it's good for you.

   Tesco Quarter Pounders: The new affordable way to buy your daughter the pony she's always wanted !!!!

   Cinnamon only exists in spice racks and strip clubs, that's it!

   I'm so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.

   We have a new Pope! I'm just waiting for Kanye West to jump out on the balcony and interrupt!

   Scientists are trying to find new ways to deflect asteroids in case one gets close to hitting Earth. My theory is putting a Cubs uniform on the asteroid would render it incapable of hitting anything.

   Tiger Woods is now dating Lindsey Vonn, they met while she was skiing down a mountain of women he just slept with

   Ladies; Please note that men don't respond to words, they respond to silence

   Hey guy driving the speed limit with your hands at 10 & 2, can I have some of that weed you're transporting?

   Remember ladies, if on your 10th selfie you don’t have the perfect one to post you’re really just ugly.

   I married the Stevie Wonder of interior decorating.

   Since the divorce, the only pick-up line I can think of is, “Would you consider yourself a litigious person?”