Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The Little Chocoltiers, The Little Couple, Little People Big World...... TLC is changing its name to The Little Channel!

   If crime doesn't pay... Does that mean my job is a crime?

   thinks she settled the argument over whether you refer to a carbonated beverage as "soda, pop, or Coke"....it's "chaser!"

   Why is it that everyone is either trying to preserve or disprove who they were in highschool? We were all a bunch of midget dipsh*ts making minimum wage covered in pimples

   Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose...

   I never pick up the house phone....But run a mile for the Cell Phone.

   Waldo's bangin' Carmen Sandiego right now. Somehow, despite all the odds, they found each other.

   Hey. You in the camouflage outfit. I can see you.

   I thought I suffered from low self-esteem. Turns out, I suffer from accurate self-esteem.

   Cinco De Mayo is just like St. Patrick's Day, except with tequila.

   I'm a leader not a follower! Unless its a dark place, then F that, you're going first!

   My quest for greatness has turned into a blind fumble for ok.

   Women are having sex? Oh geez, I need to tell my wife.

   It's like my boss doesn't even appreciate that I'm not drinking on the job right now.

   I just put cheese spread on a Cheez-It and now I understand quantum physics.

   No Hulu, no ads are relevant to me, because I lack the funds to have any purchasing power whatsoever.

   I believe if a tree and a woman fall in the woods....the woman still makes the noise!!

   My relationship with my first wife was very psychological...she's psycho and I'm logical.....

   Moving-on is like drinking a cough syrup, it tastes horrible but it's good for you.

   Tesco Quarter Pounders: The new affordable way to buy your daughter the pony she's always wanted !!!!