Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wait, hang on Fox... you finally resume racing after lonnnng delay, and a few laps in we get a commercial break?

   The world is a stage. I failed the audition. Now I sit in the audience, and they call me a cynic.

   When your clean you use SOAP, when your dirty you use SOPA.......

   I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"

   When life gives you lemon, just add vodka and stop whining.

   Bathroom Rule #6. Before you sit down, check for toilet paper. No one wanta to do that walk of shame.

   Why I don't like people: 1%: Logical reason. 99%: I just don't.

   Romeo and juliet killed themselves for their love so I think you can at least answer my text message.

   A baby-sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

   When you die and God asks what you did with your life, try not to say, "Didn't you read my tweets and Facebook updates?"

   I had to fill in some online forms and when I typed in my date of birth out of the sudden al the "meet hot single in your area " changed to " Mature Dating " (",)

   The wife's a Black Belt in Cooking. She can kill a Man with two Chops.

   Why do women feel the need to tell us men how to do our jobs?....I had a reason why I didn't pull out!

   "Fight fire with fire" - unequivocally the worst advice I have ever received. My house just burned even faster.

   My plan for getting out of work tomorrow relies heavily on two of my best skills--lying and tampering with fire extinguishers.

   Turned on all the lights, fired up the wood stove and heater, flushed the toilets and ran the water excessively. Did my part for Earth Day.

   I'm so broke my nervous breakdown is on layaway.

   A study found that 40% of Tweets can be categorized as pointless babble... while the other 60% is serious commentary on Justin Bieber's hair.

   Those rappers seem to have an unhealthy interest in female dogs, don't they?

   Everyone has that one friend who insists on messaging you every damn time they see you on Facebook.