Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   at the corner picking up your girlfriend from work.

   I try to get out of my car with my seatbelt still on far more than any person should,

   If the government would charge a 3% stupidity tax, they could pay off the national debt in no time..

   Hindsight is $20.20. Don't even ask what she charged to see her boobs.

   Someone is thinking about sex....OK it's me :)

   I always have this feeling that the SWAT team is waiting to bust through my door

   I love seeing the Australian news cause it's like they're from the future.

   Tell them Osama's dead without proof of a body & they celebrate. Tell them Jesus died & rose without proof of a body & they speculate.

   so after 25 years in the Senate, all of a sudden Biden is all about gun control??

   A woman's place is in the kitchen...bent over the table.

   I don't mean to brag, but after 30 years of marriage, my wife and I still have sex almost every night. We almost had it Friday night, almost Saturday, almost… ツ

   Men need 100% talent to succeed in life....... Women need only 4%..... because the remaining 36+24+36 helps..

   BREAKING NEWS: Zimmerman is STILL not guilty since 3 hours ago

   The man who created knock knock jokes deserves a no-bell prize.

   "Roses are reddish, Violets are Bluish. If it weren't for Christmas, We'd all be Jewish." ~ Benny Hill

   Do more than belong.. Participate! Do more than care.. Help! Do more than believe.. Trust! Do more than be fair.. Be kind! Do more than forgive.. Forget! Do more than dream.. Work! Life keeps going, be part of it.. =)

   "Hahahahaha, You Failed!" "Yeah, so did your dads condom."

   I get blamed for everything. Looks like I have no choice but to run for president.

   wondering why no matter how hard you pinch the skin on your elbow, it doesnt hurt. I know your trying it now arent you?

   it doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that you don't add your boss on facebook and then post "Wow my boss' wife cooks a mean casserole" after you call in sick