Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific!

   Taylor Swift chases more balls than a puppy.

   You're odd and cheap when you smile habitually and for no apparent reason.

   This complimentary lemonade at the doctor's office tastes funny.

   How the hell do you call Batman during the day?

   You know you fat when you use cheat codes for Wii Fit.

   Got roses from a vegan. Not sure if they are supposed to be a snack or a decoration. Anyway, they're pretty. Maybe I'll eat just one.

   You know you're old when 'Getting Lucky' now means that you got the last package of Depends© left on the store shelf.

   I heard that Steve Jobs was trying to type "I reign as CEO of Apple!" on his iPhone, but the autocorrect got him.

   at the corner picking up your girlfriend from work.

   I try to get out of my car with my seatbelt still on far more than any person should,

   If the government would charge a 3% stupidity tax, they could pay off the national debt in no time..

   Hindsight is $20.20. Don't even ask what she charged to see her boobs.

   Someone is thinking about sex....OK it's me :)

   I always have this feeling that the SWAT team is waiting to bust through my door

   I love seeing the Australian news cause it's like they're from the future.

   Tell them Osama's dead without proof of a body & they celebrate. Tell them Jesus died & rose without proof of a body & they speculate.

   so after 25 years in the Senate, all of a sudden Biden is all about gun control??

   A woman's place is in the kitchen...bent over the table.

   I don't mean to brag, but after 30 years of marriage, my wife and I still have sex almost every night. We almost had it Friday night, almost Saturday, almost… ツ