Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Vladimir Putin Is going to have Turkey for Thanksgiving for sure

   I just saw a lady texting while driving. Do women have any idea how dangerous that is for the rest of us? Not the texting part, just them driving in general.

   "when you listen to your Rice Krispies in reverse, you can hear the DEVIL telling you to steal Lucky's charms"

   A vampire goes into a pub and asks 4 boiling water. The barman says "I thought you only drank blood?" The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says "Im making tea"

   Does anybody else feel the intense awkwardness when a woman doesn't choose the iron in a game of Monopoly?

   Iron Man is a superhero. Iron woman is a command.

   Girl's facebook status: I'm done with this sh!t.. Me: Did you wipe?

   My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" and I sent it anyways.

   I'm going to bed after a hard day of converting oxygen to carbon dioxide.

   When I die, I have made my husband promise to update my FB status with “Who knew they had Wi-Fi up here?!?”

   It's been so long since I bought groceries, this morning I saw a c@ckroach move out. "Good luck," he sighed, clutching his tiny suitcases.

   You know I can think of two... no, three things that really irritate the f*ck out of me... make that four... ok five.... f*ck it... there's like 10 now!

   I farted today and totaled the Smart Car I was standing next to.

   These tornadoes are awful...I blame the violence in tornado themed video games

   The #1 song when you were born is a great idea, however, if they came out with an app that gave the #1 song when you died, I think I would stop listening to music

   If I've given you a card at your birthday party, know I bought it a half-hour ago and signed it on the dashboard of my car 5 minutes ago.

   If you ask me, people who harm children should be strangled at birth.

   Crazy Fact… People born in 1994-1999 have lived in three decades, two centuries, and two millenniums. & they are not even 18 yet.

   They should make a Rosetta Stone that helps men understand what the heck women are actually trying to say.

   The jersey shore cast is dumber than a 5th grader..