Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm on my 5th coffee, just in case you're wondering about the "other way" to get to Narnia .

   I must assume that if you are waiting for a politician to make a change in your life you enjoy the finer things like waiting for customer service on the phone, waiting for the doctor at his office, or standing in lines at airport security.

   Me: Will you stay with me till I fall asleep? Him: Ma'am, please just take your pizza

   Orange Hi-C counts as a serving of fruit, right?

   You know someone has a drinking problem when they go to the bar at 5pm, you know you have a drinking problem when you're already there.

   No matter how loud the game is on downstairs, a man always hears the sound of a bra hitting the floor upstairs.

   I bought some sparkly wrapping paper thinking it was like a simulated sparkly kind. It is actually made out of sparkles. Well, now my floor, face, hands, clothes and kid look like Diamond Cherry Serenity & Candi came over to my house after the strip club.

   Keep in mind that "The Cat in the Hat" is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you're gone...

   What time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon? About Tennish.

   Got kicked out of the local casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something.

   Trying to eat a powdered donut without looking like I just came from Charlie Sheen's house.

   If I've learned anything from Facebook, it's that everyone has a birthday

   My4FavoriteThings: 1) Long walks on the beach... 2) Long walks back to the car.. 3) Long walks on the beach looking for car keys.. 4) Long waits for AAA

   While at self check out... "Do I get an employee discount, now?"

   This years summer swimsuit look is going to be a little something I like to call... busted can of biscuits.

   Saw a Chinese kid and a black kid wave to each other today. It gave me hope... for another Rush Hour movie.

   In the future, imagine how many Go-Pros will be found buried under snow in the mountains containing the last moments of people's lives...

   My best friend's marriage is such an inspiration. As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.

   I love hearing “saw this and thought of you”

   You said you didn't want to text your ex, Tequila determined that was a lie