Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Got kicked out of the local casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something.

   Trying to eat a powdered donut without looking like I just came from Charlie Sheen's house.

   If I've learned anything from Facebook, it's that everyone has a birthday

   My4FavoriteThings: 1) Long walks on the beach... 2) Long walks back to the car.. 3) Long walks on the beach looking for car keys.. 4) Long waits for AAA

   While at self check out... "Do I get an employee discount, now?"

   This years summer swimsuit look is going to be a little something I like to call... busted can of biscuits.

   Saw a Chinese kid and a black kid wave to each other today. It gave me hope... for another Rush Hour movie.

   In the future, imagine how many Go-Pros will be found buried under snow in the mountains containing the last moments of people's lives...

   My best friend's marriage is such an inspiration. As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.

   I love hearing “saw this and thought of you”

   You said you didn't want to text your ex, Tequila determined that was a lie

   Before the internet I used to like people.

   Everyone’s beautiful on the inside. Some people just need a few good stab holes to let that beauty out.

   Settle down Cross Fit. Settle down. I just wanna lift weights not snatch smart cars.

   I dont tell god how big my problems are, I tell my problems how big my god is

   if you want to know anything then come to my house because i've got a teenager here who knows everything

   Writing a new rap song and need a word that rhymes with trigger.

   When Mitt becomes President put this as your status...MITT HAPPENS.

   Does anyone know how to cancel a bid on eBay?? I put in a bid for a "Mickey Mouse outfit" and now it seems I am only 15 minutes away from owning the "Dallas Cowboys Football Team"..

   Some People are like slinkies,, not good for anything, but fun to watch tunmble down stairs(: