Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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Do not overly trust journalists coz they are more concerned with selling newspapers than telling the truth. 
After spending most of Sunday wrapping presents I've decided next year everyone gets square present
I have come to the conclusion that Facebook needs to add an option called "People You Don't Want To Know"
This girl at the bar said she wanted a man that's fun and spontaneous but got mad when I tickled her...
Monsters Inc 2 is coming out in 2013 move out of the way kids, I've been waiting 10 f-king years for this.
Just saw a girl choking on a cupcake so I quickly ran over, took her phone and Instagrammed what was left of it. She's perfectly fine now.
I take some pride in the fact that I don't need football season to be a terrible husband.
Drank a Rockstar and now I'm patiently waiting to break furniture in a hotel room.
I'm looking for someone with emotional baggage that complements mine.
Oh you jumped on the elevator to go ONE floor?,,, Your cankles must be so tired.....
I have never "Officially" done Yoga, but I did have to get up in the middle of last night and pee.........while erect.......so I'm pretty sure I'm qualified to teach a class now.............(If you are a woman, don't even bother trying to understand this)
16 and pregnant? Where were all these slutty girls when I was 18?
It's not a real party unless someone gets a d ick drawn on their face.
Of course absence makes the heart grow fonder. Because thats when you forget what an annoying little bltch they can be.
I'm so single my p 0rn is in a folder called p 0rn.
If your relationship is in trouble, don't worry. Join facebook and fill the void in your soul with virtual people.
Baby, does all this money make my d*ck look bigger?
Maybe we should all get drunk and tell each other everything we’re too afraid to say sober.
Patience is not a virtue! It's a gift. I am not gifted.
I listen to smooth jazz from time to time, but it depends on which elevator I’m in. 