Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Oh you jumped on the elevator to go ONE floor?,,, Your cankles must be so tired.....

   I have never "Officially" done Yoga, but I did have to get up in the middle of last night and pee.........while erect.......so I'm pretty sure I'm qualified to teach a class now.............(If you are a woman, don't even bother trying to understand this)

   16 and pregnant? Where were all these slutty girls when I was 18?

   It's not a real party unless someone gets a d ick drawn on their face.

   Of course absence makes the heart grow fonder. Because thats when you forget what an annoying little bltch they can be.

   I'm so single my p 0rn is in a folder called p 0rn.

   If your relationship is in trouble, don't worry. Join facebook and fill the void in your soul with virtual people.

   Baby, does all this money make my d*ck look bigger?

   Maybe we should all get drunk and tell each other everything we’re too afraid to say sober.

   Patience is not a virtue! It's a gift. I am not gifted.

   I listen to smooth jazz from time to time, but it depends on which elevator I’m in.

   My wife says "YOU'RE DRUNK!" like it is a bad thing.

   I love watching my girlfriend sleep. How her lips don't move and no words come out.

   Ladies call me Adobe Updater because every time I pop up they're like ugh not now

   the best play of this game so far is when Joe Namath's coin toss was intercepted by the ref

   Sorry I strangled you when I tried to untangle the Christmas lights.

   Someone should tell Disney that a "true love's kiss" has WAAAAY more tongue.

   The Shawshank Redemption but it's just me tunneling underground from the sofa to the mailbox so I don't have to talk to any of my neighbors.

   People really need to get with the times. Smartphones are not for talking anymore.

   There's a person out there for everyone, but for some women that person is 6 cats....