Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Guys, guys...we Americans are not obsessed with dead hookers. Those are British fashion models.

   I'm reading a book on anti-gravity. It is impossible to put down.

   A man in Phoenix accidentally shot himself in the leg while in line at Walmart on Saturday. Or, as they call that in Arizona, “taking a selfie.”

   You're the jelly to my burger, the knife to my soup, the glitter to my sushi, and the ketchup to my icecream. My point is, you're worthless.

   I tried to decorate for Columbus day......but there really isn't ANY decorations out there for it.....so I threw a VHS tape of Pocahontas onto the font lawn....I will have to do...

   When a man dies, God asks his angels; "Was he married? If the answer is "Yes" God says, 'Take him straight to heaven he's already been through enough hell"

   When I was in high school a selfie meant a locked bathroom and a box of kleenex

   My dog constantly looks at me like I asked him to give me a ride to the airport.

   Life Tip: Get a birthday card with anything you are embarrassed to buy.

   I am claiming everything ever written by Author Unknown !

   Do you know why most men die before their wives? Because they want to.

   FACT: Cops love donuts.... just not when you do them on a four lane highway.

   Watching the Golden Globes tonight. I root for whichever actress is showing the most cleavage.

   If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers,,, You'll know that setting them free was a bad idea.

   WHERE IS FUNNY

   Fact: Nobody cleans a house faster than a man expecting to get laid.

   If you Google the words 'Zerg Rush'...google will Eat the screen.

   A new poll found 44 percent of Florida voters think the country is on the wrong track, and the rest think JFK is still president.

   I've been disappointed so many times, not giving a crap is almost a reflex

   Religion and Politics are much the same in that we block out everything except the parts we feel personally benefit us.