Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't need to worry about zombies here in West Virginia....no brains.

   I could have sworn I heard a chorus of a thousand tiny voices rising up from the shower drain to wish me a Happy Fathers Day.

   The problems with heroes is that most of them are buried too soon befor they have a chance to become old men.

   Officer I know I ran that red light but its okay I'll just stop twice at the next one. Are we cool?

   let's jump to 2050, when I'm at the bingo hall checking out the hot little number with the walker and tramp stamp

   If sex is the food of love then masturbation must be the snacks between meals.

   So what you're saying is you have a problem that is totally your problem but you'd like to find a way to make that problem my problem; but here's the problem, buddy, it's not my problem.

   anyone else think Scotty from American Idol looks like Alfred E Newman from Mad Magazine???

   I really want a Klondike Bar, but I'm fresh out of ideas......

   I start a lot of conversations with "goodbye" in hopes that it will trick people into thinking we already talked.

   I always hit "ignore call" with my middle finger.

   The iPhone 4S: "For Steve."

   If I was a ghost on "Ghost Whisperer" the first thing I would ask Jennifer Love Hewitt is "are those real?".

   I've been reading some of the Black History Month material, and I can't find Buckwheat being shot anywhere…that's just wrong…

   May those who love us love us, and those who do not love us, may God turn their hearts, and if He cannot turn their hearts may He turn their ankles that we may know them by their limping.

   Maybe Congress should try a Bake Sale.

   Ok, fine. I'll admit it. Most of the time when I'm in the bathroom, I'm hiding out from my kids.

   My sleep number is 80 proof..

   My holy water needs a bottle opener.

   Everyone loved Jack-in-the-box as kids. now I'm older I like mine in the bottle