Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   anyone else think Scotty from American Idol looks like Alfred E Newman from Mad Magazine???

   I really want a Klondike Bar, but I'm fresh out of ideas......

   I start a lot of conversations with "goodbye" in hopes that it will trick people into thinking we already talked.

   I always hit "ignore call" with my middle finger.

   The iPhone 4S: "For Steve."

   If I was a ghost on "Ghost Whisperer" the first thing I would ask Jennifer Love Hewitt is "are those real?".

   I've been reading some of the Black History Month material, and I can't find Buckwheat being shot anywhere…that's just wrong…

   May those who love us love us, and those who do not love us, may God turn their hearts, and if He cannot turn their hearts may He turn their ankles that we may know them by their limping.

   Maybe Congress should try a Bake Sale.

   Ok, fine. I'll admit it. Most of the time when I'm in the bathroom, I'm hiding out from my kids.

   My sleep number is 80 proof..

   My holy water needs a bottle opener.

   Everyone loved Jack-in-the-box as kids. now I'm older I like mine in the bottle

   Guys, guys...we Americans are not obsessed with dead hookers. Those are British fashion models.

   I'm reading a book on anti-gravity. It is impossible to put down.

   A man in Phoenix accidentally shot himself in the leg while in line at Walmart on Saturday. Or, as they call that in Arizona, “taking a selfie.”

   You're the jelly to my burger, the knife to my soup, the glitter to my sushi, and the ketchup to my icecream. My point is, you're worthless.

   I tried to decorate for Columbus day......but there really isn't ANY decorations out there for it.....so I threw a VHS tape of Pocahontas onto the font lawn....I will have to do...

   When a man dies, God asks his angels; "Was he married? If the answer is "Yes" God says, 'Take him straight to heaven he's already been through enough hell"

   When I was in high school a selfie meant a locked bathroom and a box of kleenex