Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ■The best way to get rid of a telemarketer is to ask them what they are wearing

   "Stop, Drop, and Roll" is not JUST an effective fire safety technique, but also a very memorable way of getting out of a boring conversation. :P

   Two things I am thankful for: 1: Family and friends. 2: Caller ID, so I can avoid certain family and friends

   my daughter saw a picture in a zoo book and said, "Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!" I took a deep breath, then asked "What did you call it?" "It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!" And so it does, "A f r I c a n Elephant"

   Now that you really think about it, you've never seen me and Batman in the same room have you?

   Girl On Fire by Alicia Keyes would be a great theme song for a Vagisil commercial!

   says according to maxipad commercials, all women are full of winshield washer fluid

   To all the students who drop out of high school: Remember two things, 1. You tried your best. 2. I don't like onions on my Big Mac.

   Curling irons have a warning tag that says "For External Use Only." Which of you sick mofos made that necessary?

   I will be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti, and a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.

   Ambercrombie and fitch said they are going to offer to pay the Jersey Shore cast to stop wearing their clothing. Nothing like one group of douchebags telling another group of douchebags to stop dressing like douchebags.

   That awkward moment when your teacher is helping someone with their work, and her ass is in your face

   This guy's all like "I think you've had enough beers for one night." Then I'm all "Scrw you, fridge. Appliances can't even talk."

   I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it...

   I went door-to-door today telling my neighbors I'm a registered sex offender so they'll keep their damn kids out of my yard.

   I just told my brother he was adopted, his response was, "At least they picked me"

   Facebook: A place where all your past mistakes will eventually try to befriend you.

   why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying? for the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

   Everytime this post is liked,, a Member of Congress gets kicked in the genitals.

   doesn't understand what the fascination is with Camping...You work hard all year to pay your Mortgage/Rent, only to spend your vacation pretending you're Homeless