Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don’t understand the whole concept of a massage. You get a woman to rub all over every single part of your body except the one part you really want rubbed on

   Life is like a box of chocolates, it doesn't last as long for fat people!

   At least Mexicans make good immigrants and don't bomb nobody.

   A little girl walk pass her parents room, look in the key hole & says to her self "AND THIS BTCH GETS MAD BECAUSE I SUCK MY THUMB.!

   Look, kids. I think we can learn a valuable lesson from Whitney Houston's unfortunate passing. When snorting coke, wear a life jacket.

   thinks they need to have a twelve-step help group for compulsive talkers. They would call it On Anon Anon.

   Thought I'd better warn you. Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes." Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money. Pass this on so others don't get scammed.

   Press Ctrl+W to see something really amazing

   locked my keys in my car outside of an abortion clinic the other night. It turns out they get really pissed when you go in and ask them for a coat hanger.

   Barack Obama - The first black man that has ever had to convince the world he did do the killing.

   If a girl bangs 10 guys in a year, she's a slut. If a guy does it, he's gay, definitely gay.

   Hey part-time Christians; The word of God was meant to be kept not borrowed whenever and wherever it suits you.

   If I were the President, I'd create the Adorable Care Act, where every American would get a free puppy.

   Show me you're pushy. - Sean Connery

   Dear whoever is playing sweet child o' mine at 2:30 in the night at full blaring volume to disturb the whole neighborhood......NICE!

   If Osama Bin Laden had a student loan, we would have found him Sept 12.

   Tip to reduce weight: Turn your head to the left and then turn it to the right. Repeat exercise when offered something to eat.

   ■That awkward moment when you're in the grocery store and someone is standing in front of the item you need, so you pretend to look at something else until they move.

   exploring the relationship between mistletoe and camel toe

   Roses are gray, violets are gray. Crap, I'm colorblind.