Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I still don't understand why Oprah didn't use "Come to Oprah and Winfrey gifts!" as a slogan for her show.

   I even lose my panties when I masturbate.

   I came, I saw, I took a nap.

   I hope instagram is still around in 10 years so I can show my kids what my food looked like in 2013.

   My friend hates theme parks b/c he doesn't like the idea of waiting for 5 hours for 2 minutes of pleasure. And yet he still goes on dates.

   justin bieber to be launched into space...hoping very much it's a one way trip ...:D

   Listen, I don't make the rules,,, Where I come from, when you lick something and yell MINE,, it's yours.....So, ya know, get in my van please.

   My bank card has this awesome theft protection where it just says "declined" whenever you use it.

   I don't care how long you've been married, the appropriate gift for an anniversary should be sex.

   Marriage. When dating goes too far.

   Robert Pattinson said Kristen Stewart humiliated him. Then he added it was even more humiliating than being in Twilight.

   Nothing Screams "You're stuck in friend's Zone" like when she tags you as her brother on FB

   I'd say popping your trunk to release 10,000 butterflies is the most magical way to elude the cops.

   Everyone knows MC Hammer pants were designed for shoplifting.

   It's funny how the people who know the least about you, always have the most to say.

   thinking..what if I'm sexy and I don't know it?

   Trying to improve my street cred by lowering our minivan a couple inches.

   my Gwinnett county detention center uniform looks better than the rags the steelers are wearing tonight.

   Let me know when the power ball "Jokes" are over

   My girl is burping like she doesn't think I'm still gonna try and have sex with her tonight.