Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Listen, I don't make the rules,,, Where I come from, when you lick something and yell MINE,, it's yours.....So, ya know, get in my van please.

   My bank card has this awesome theft protection where it just says "declined" whenever you use it.

   I don't care how long you've been married, the appropriate gift for an anniversary should be sex.

   Marriage. When dating goes too far.

   Robert Pattinson said Kristen Stewart humiliated him. Then he added it was even more humiliating than being in Twilight.

   Nothing Screams "You're stuck in friend's Zone" like when she tags you as her brother on FB

   I'd say popping your trunk to release 10,000 butterflies is the most magical way to elude the cops.

   Everyone knows MC Hammer pants were designed for shoplifting.

   It's funny how the people who know the least about you, always have the most to say.

   thinking..what if I'm sexy and I don't know it?

   Trying to improve my street cred by lowering our minivan a couple inches.

   my Gwinnett county detention center uniform looks better than the rags the steelers are wearing tonight.

   Let me know when the power ball "Jokes" are over

   My girl is burping like she doesn't think I'm still gonna try and have sex with her tonight.

   Kristen Stewart looks like a sullen boy with no boobs. Thankfully Twilight is over.

   From political deadlock to fiscal cliff to sequester, the American Soap opera "All my White House & Congress' failures" continues to draw national disappointments & worldwide miseries.

   When the interviewer asks "Why do you want to work here?" don't answer "you'll find out!" and laugh maniacally

   Old movies make train travel look so romantic, but who in this day and age has time to solve a murder mystery?

   You are free to choose, but you are not free from the consequence of your choice.

   If you develop a rash from your new girlfriend then discontinue use immediately.