Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Newton's Pee law : No matter how much you press it, shake it, rotate it, slap it and pull it. the last drop of urine for your underwear. ;)

   NFL is seeing that disrespecting the flag is really bad for business...it's causing division & no unity! The left is NEVER morally correct!

   I don't think my newborn son appreciates napping and sucking tittie as much as I do.

   If you kiss her just right, the panties fall off all by themselves.

   Dear Math, I'm sick and tired of finding your "x". Just accept the fact that she's gone and move on dude!

   I've stipulated to be laying on my side during my open casket funeral so it's convenient for anyone who wants to spoon me for the last time.

   I'm gonna sue Axe because instead of attracting girls, I'm attracting damn mosquitos!

   I think I have a problem. I'm checking myself into rehab. If anyone needs me, I'll be at Charlie Sheen's house.

   Love how yall ladies enjoy that show "Snapped" stories about women who go crazy on their men..So I decided I'm gonna create a show for men its gonna be called "She Just Wouldn't Shut-the-f*ck-Up

   There are only 5 things we need in life: Good friends, Good job, Good food, Good sleep & Good _uck. Whatever you are thinking... is right.

   1000 aches = 1 megahurtz

   It didn't look that hot from inside, but as soon as I stepped outside, it was like Satan farted in my face...

   I dont think I'll ever be able to eat bugles with out first putting them on my fingers and roaring first

   A beautiful night is when you hug your teddy and go to sleep, but a horror night is when your teddy hugs you back!!!! =)

   Has anyone Sheen my drugs?

   Zombies are dropping dead all over Washington, and other state capitals. Reports by foxnews say they are starving to death, due to no significant brain tissue in these areas!!!

   Taking down my Christmas tree would probably just be a waste of time at this point.

   I lost my virginity in a high-stakes game of "Just the Tip".

   I was thinking about taking up Jiu Jitsu but then I remembered...I carry a gun.

   I have counted 16 stains on my bed sheets and not one of them is sex related. My life sucks.