Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm gonna sue Axe because instead of attracting girls, I'm attracting damn mosquitos!

   I think I have a problem. I'm checking myself into rehab. If anyone needs me, I'll be at Charlie Sheen's house.

   Love how yall ladies enjoy that show "Snapped" stories about women who go crazy on their men..So I decided I'm gonna create a show for men its gonna be called "She Just Wouldn't Shut-the-f*ck-Up

   There are only 5 things we need in life: Good friends, Good job, Good food, Good sleep & Good _uck. Whatever you are thinking... is right.

   1000 aches = 1 megahurtz

   It didn't look that hot from inside, but as soon as I stepped outside, it was like Satan farted in my face...

   I dont think I'll ever be able to eat bugles with out first putting them on my fingers and roaring first

   A beautiful night is when you hug your teddy and go to sleep, but a horror night is when your teddy hugs you back!!!! =)

   Has anyone Sheen my drugs?

   Zombies are dropping dead all over Washington, and other state capitals. Reports by foxnews say they are starving to death, due to no significant brain tissue in these areas!!!

   Taking down my Christmas tree would probably just be a waste of time at this point.

   I lost my virginity in a high-stakes game of "Just the Tip".

   I was thinking about taking up Jiu Jitsu but then I remembered...I carry a gun.

   I have counted 16 stains on my bed sheets and not one of them is sex related. My life sucks.

   I still don't understand why Oprah didn't use "Come to Oprah and Winfrey gifts!" as a slogan for her show.

   I even lose my panties when I masturbate.

   I came, I saw, I took a nap.

   I hope instagram is still around in 10 years so I can show my kids what my food looked like in 2013.

   My friend hates theme parks b/c he doesn't like the idea of waiting for 5 hours for 2 minutes of pleasure. And yet he still goes on dates.

   justin bieber to be launched into space...hoping very much it's a one way trip ...:D