Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife once told me she was a rich b***h. Turns out she was only half right…

   I was late for work this morning because there was a daddy long legs in my bathroom and thats where my work clothes were.

   I'm glad the real referees are back... my fantasy ref team has really suffered.

   I submitted my photo into one of those "Which Celebrity Do You Most Closely Resemble" apps. It compared me to Patrick from SpongeBob.

   I try to do all my pooping at work. Cause if you can get paid to poop, you'd be a fool not to.

   Baby it's not you, it's me. But it's me because of you.

   I'd like to dedicate my farts to those people that drive slow but then speed up when you try and overtake them.

   my ex warned me that I would never find a girl like her again....THANK GOD!

   The little dance your thumbs do when you aren't sure how to respond to a text.

   If I had a dollar for every time I used a phrase incorrectly, then you don't deserve me at my best.

   I hope Miley Cyrus is on drugs so she'll have an excuse for that $hit...

   If Obama can't understand how an attack can cause negative repercussions, show him picutres of OJ and then the Kardashians.

   Am I the only one who saves all the marshmellows in my bowl of Lucky Charms for last?

   Last night I found an unopened can of warm Bud Light on the floor of a cab. I'll answer your question with a question. Did I have a choice?

   I have found, through my extensive research, that you apparently have to be missing teeth in order to witness a Bigfoot or UFO sighting.

   I'm off to work... not because I want to, but because I'm cleverly disguised as a responsible adult, and I don't want to blow my cover!

   Wow, I bet Bin Laden wishes he never completed his Census Form....

   u wrote me a note and it said "n ss!w !" ...it didnt make sense till I turned it upside down!!

   This weekend is either way too short, or I don't have enough Long in my Island Iced Tea...

   Drunk walking home is much more fun than drunk driving home, and much less dangerous. For instance, if you knock over something driving home, you are screwed. If you knock over something while drunk walking home, everyone cheers.