Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'd like to dedicate my farts to those people that drive slow but then speed up when you try and overtake them.

   my ex warned me that I would never find a girl like her again....THANK GOD!

   The little dance your thumbs do when you aren't sure how to respond to a text.

   If I had a dollar for every time I used a phrase incorrectly, then you don't deserve me at my best.

   I hope Miley Cyrus is on drugs so she'll have an excuse for that $hit...

   If Obama can't understand how an attack can cause negative repercussions, show him picutres of OJ and then the Kardashians.

   Am I the only one who saves all the marshmellows in my bowl of Lucky Charms for last?

   Last night I found an unopened can of warm Bud Light on the floor of a cab. I'll answer your question with a question. Did I have a choice?

   I have found, through my extensive research, that you apparently have to be missing teeth in order to witness a Bigfoot or UFO sighting.

   I'm off to work... not because I want to, but because I'm cleverly disguised as a responsible adult, and I don't want to blow my cover!

   Wow, I bet Bin Laden wishes he never completed his Census Form....

   u wrote me a note and it said "n ss!w !" ...it didnt make sense till I turned it upside down!!

   This weekend is either way too short, or I don't have enough Long in my Island Iced Tea...

   Drunk walking home is much more fun than drunk driving home, and much less dangerous. For instance, if you knock over something driving home, you are screwed. If you knock over something while drunk walking home, everyone cheers.

   It's not speed that kills you. It's the suddenly coming to a dead stop that does it.

   "Hold on playa!" ~ Ghetto Yield sign.

   Why does anyone want to go to Hell in a handbasket? Everyone whose ever been to the Supermarket knows that using a Shopping Cart would be so much better.

   WESTBORO BAPTIST'S: Military Funeral Protesters who'll one day bring their glowing personalities and heartwarming words to the Nether-Regions they'll share with other sincere folks like Hitler, Dahmer, Gacy, and Jack the Ripper.

   I dont have a dog, I eat my own homework.

   I'll be starting group meetings at my house for people with OCD. Not because I have it, but because I know someone will get the urge to clean up my damm house! OCD'ers...Cheaper than maid service!