Funny Status Messages
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Freedom of speech is wonderful - right up there with the freedom not to listen. 
I asked the teller at my bank to supersize my order. Apparently, banks aren't full of would-be comedians.
It's hard to find a birthday present that says "I think your a douche but I still want a piece of your cake please."
NBC is paying Conan O'Brien 30 million dollars to do absolutely nothing. As a result, Conan has been named an honorary New York Knick.
If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.
Guys Don't Worry about Today, Your Women Can Be Satisfied with Only 8.5 cm ... and It Doesn't Matter If It is VISA or MASTERCARD !!!
in a relationship with beer which gets complicated after 2am when I start downing single shots
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Yes, I saw you dance. No, I don't have a dollar
Too tired this morning to execute my plan for world domination
Went camping this weekend adn learned taht the longest journey begins with not looking at a map.
You'd think a $30,000 car would have a decent cup holder.
the ancient myans predicted the end of the world in 2012...But mankind can barely predict a 5 day weather forecast....This is some bull sh*t!
My favourite thing about flamenco guitarists is how they can stand on one leg for the entire performance.
I've been a sucker for titties since the day I was born...
Yeah... I may be old... But I'm still hot..... They just come in flashes now!
If you pour rubbing alcohol on yourself and set yourself on fire while your friends film it and post it in YouTube your an idiot. Your doing it wrong. Use gas
Since when did everything I was taught growing up that was wrong to do suddenly became Ok. . .
Stress balls work best when you shove them down somebody's throat.
nobody raised hell when I was a victim of domestic violenece....Tiger Woods 