Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Grandma was a loyal Republican until she died. Ever since then she has voted Democrat.

   Really feel bad for my neighbor.... He thought a vasectomy would keep his wife from getting pregnant but apparently it only changes the color of the baby.

   You can eat pizza every single day & still lose weight....Alternative fact.

   I still let my phone ring a few times before answering when a person I'm interested in calls, so I seem busy.

   I'm not nodding to say yes about your idea....The voices in my head are agreeing with me that you're an idiot..

   I think I'm slipping.....too many mistakes went unmade today.

   Santa is the ultimate hipster. Works one day a year and spends the rest of the year judging you.

   Parental criticism getting you down this holiday season? Just remind them that coffins are cheaper than nursing homes.

   Sometimes I wish there was a 'Build-a-Girlfriend'.

   Every time I'm in line and someone is taking too long I look around and think "Is this where I wan't to start my mass murdering spree?"

   Whisky is a brilliant invention. One double and you start feeling single again.

   A dislike button on facebook would be cool at first, but it would eventually just cause a lot of controversy and drama. Especially if you could dislike peoples entire profiles. That would not go well..

   Martin Luther King Jr. had a dream.. but Leonardo Dicaprio had a dream inside a dream inside a dream.

   it me, or does "Bananas in Pyjamas" just sound like a safe sex campaign.

   Meanwhile, on the east coast, thousands of children are changing their costume from pirate to snowboarder.

   On Facebook, people respect you for sharing your deepest secrets and flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.

   my kids enjoy the free cardboard box and balloons the most

   A real home improvement warehouse would have a marriage counselor.

   I'm having a problem with sexual harassment at work. There isn't any.

   The next time someone tells me they feel like a million bucks I'm going to try to deposit them into my checking account.