Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Santa is the ultimate hipster. Works one day a year and spends the rest of the year judging you.

   Parental criticism getting you down this holiday season? Just remind them that coffins are cheaper than nursing homes.

   Sometimes I wish there was a 'Build-a-Girlfriend'.

   Every time I'm in line and someone is taking too long I look around and think "Is this where I wan't to start my mass murdering spree?"

   My uncle reads the obituaries every day. He can never get over the fact that people always seem to die in alphabetical order.

   Oh you got your middle finger up in your profile pic? You mother must be really proud of a job well done raising you.

   I think I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. My liver might have just started waving the white flag.

   One of the hardest things in life is trying to plug in your charger in the dark

   A real home improvement warehouse would have a marriage counselor.

   I'm having a problem with sexual harassment at work. There isn't any.

   The next time someone tells me they feel like a million bucks I'm going to try to deposit them into my checking account.

   Herman Cain has 99 problems and apparently a b!tch is all of them.

   I keep having this recurring nightmare that lasts 8 hours a day, Monday through Friday.

   “Oh wow, way better!” -Jedi Knight trying out a gun

   Rodney King has been found dead in pool - Early reports say that the LA police are not suspects in his death.

   I like you. You're the right amount of dysfunctional that I'm attracted to.

   Whisky is a brilliant invention. One double and you start feeling single again.

   A dislike button on facebook would be cool at first, but it would eventually just cause a lot of controversy and drama. Especially if you could dislike peoples entire profiles. That would not go well..

   Martin Luther King Jr. had a dream.. but Leonardo Dicaprio had a dream inside a dream inside a dream.

   it me, or does "Bananas in Pyjamas" just sound like a safe sex campaign.