Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have just painted a blue square on the garden to trick people viewing Google Earth into thinking I have a swimming pool!

   You find it offensive?... I find it funny.... That's why I'm happier than you

   The girl in the car next to me is totally checking me out. I think she likes me. After I'm done picking my nose, I'm gonna smile and wave.

   After 4 crappy cruises,Carnival Cruise Lines should just change their slogan to "Still better than the Titanic!!!"

   My life is a result of "it seemed like a good idea at the time."

   On the 14th of December I'm going to call people and say "7 Days" then hang up.

   I can't wait until next weekend's episode of the best reality show on tv... So You Think You Can Ref...

   I have a bad feeling we're going to pay for Taylor Swift not having a boyfriend on Valentines Day.

   I'm going to test my theory that tequila kills the flu... Or brain cells... Whatever, doesn't matter... something's gonna die tonight.

   NEW FACEBOOK GAME: Message me your bank account or credit card number & I will post which bill I paid with it, as my status.

   It might be fat Tuesday today, but I'm fat everyday. So what's the big deal.

   Bi-polar Wednesday - that day where you fluctuate between, "WooHoo, the week is half over" and "Oh crap, the week is only half over.

   The courthouse is a really great place to see people with neck tattoos wearing ties.

   Idea: October is Breast Cancer Awareness month.. instead of posting your color bra, why not take a pic of your boobs, post them and say "Save These!" . .why beat around the bush? (or bare floor)

   Starbucks isn't really that expensive when you you consider what Victoria Secret charges per cup...

   It's a good thing I'm not a cellar-master for a winery, because I'd be terrible at my job. "This wine is going to taste so good in like 6 years...or, we could pop this b*tch open right now..."

   Life is funny. Well, yours is. To me.

   The information age, does anyone else find it just a little bit ironic that it has produced so many uninformed people.

   My salt shaker has been clogged for two years, so don't come to me with your issues.

   The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.