Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I like to lay there after sex, stroking her hair and whispering things like "whhhy are youuuu still hereeee?"

   “LOL” is the new way of saying “I really have nothing to say.”

   Fat people just want to get into your pantries.

   Happy Friday the 13th!! Hockey mask... Check... Machete... Check...

   I know it's hard to tell,, but Chewbacca actually trims his pubes.

   Shout out to all the people on my friends list who have hidden me from their wall, and are unable to see this post.

   Turns out, “Dress for the job you want," does NOT mean you should show up to a job interview in footie pajamas.

   Its been so windy out today even the water in my toilet was choppy

   No matter what's happening there's always part of me that would rather be taking a nap. And drinking.

   Woman's Tongue & Man's eye, 'rest' only when they die..

   I will respect any religion you practice as long as you don't knock on my door to tell me about it.

   The Soul Train has been derailed....RIP....Don Cornelius....

   I'm finally rich! I have...Silver in my hair, gold in my teeth, crystal in my kidneys, sugar in my blood, lead in my ass, iron in my arteries ans an inexhaustable supply of natural gas!

   I shot the parrot. But I did not kill the parakeet..

   I have no adult supervision today and there is a peanut butter pie in the fridge...this will not end well.

   Men! If you don't sleep with them, they never call...if you do sleep with them, they never call. You may as well get a good f**k out of the deal.

   Remember, Mondays are fine. It's your life that sucks.

   If your relationship has more issues than a magazine stand then I suggest you cancel that subscription

   Why are 3 of the 4 judges on America's Got Talent foreigners??

   You guys make Facebook worth it! Just kidding, we are all wasting our lives.