Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I will never understand how someone could kill in the name of religion... or unfriend me on facebook.

   plan for the day. 1. get off work and drink till Monday. 2.figure the rest out later

   We never do anything nice and easy, we always have to do it nice and rough.

   Got Bin Laden AND interrupted Celebrity Apprentice? Win for Obama all around.

   Coffee and cigarettes together it seems are my homebrew version of Ex-Lax

   attention celebrities: if you don't want naked self-pics leaked out to the public, STOP TAKING THEM!! damn b!tch!z

   Dear U.S. Government, I was just wondering if I can get my tax return in advance. I would use my credit cards but theyr'e maxed out and I am currently unemployed. Regards, everyday U.S. citizen.

   Sitting here watching CNN & I like whats going in Egypt, let it be a lesson to other governments to never bite the hand that feeds you...

   "I couldn't give a rat's tutu about your emotional distress" -- Judge Judy

   Ladies, If you get to a point in a relationship where you have to clamp your legs shut to get him to behave the way you want him to, the relationship is already over!

   I hate it when people who are holding a device capable of using Google ask me stupid questions.

   I'm amazed at the amount of money every girl I know spends on clothing when when all of them in fact look better without any.

   “LOL” is the new way of saying “I really have nothing to say.”

   Fat people just want to get into your pantries.

   Happy Friday the 13th!! Hockey mask... Check... Machete... Check...

   I know it's hard to tell,, but Chewbacca actually trims his pubes.

   The most awkward place to run into a homeless person is on your way to a Coinstar.

   It's an awkard situation when you make a milk shake and no one shows up in your yard.

   I like to lay there after sex, stroking her hair and whispering things like "whhhy are youuuu still hereeee?"

   Its been so windy out today even the water in my toilet was choppy