Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why is it that the people who tell you to relax are almost always the source of your anxiety?

   30-year-mortgage, 5-year-car-financing, and lifetime gym membership, but women still say that men have problem with commitment.

   always look on the bright side. For example, don't think of yourself as an ugly person, think of yourself as a beautiful monkey.

   After ten years in therapy, my psychologist told me something very touching, he said, “no hablo ingles.

   I can't stand it when someone use's an apostrophe "s" to make a word plural. It drive's me nut's!

   going to hide in the wallmart clothes rack and say welcome to narnia

   If your birthstone is gravel, you might be a redneck.

   I heard Jesse James honored Earth Day yesterday by picking up trash...

   I Didn't Marry You Because I Wanted To Live With You.., I Married You Because I Couldn't Live Without You...

   If dumping 50,000 barrels of mud on the oil leak fails, BP plans to simply cover the Gulf of Mexico with a large area rug.

   got a new toilet brush, I tried it, but I think I'm going to stick with the paper.

   I love all of the sexual harassment jokes that everyone says at sexual harassment training.

   My 13 year old daughter just lit up a cigarette at the dinner table. I've never been more furious. And she did it right in front of her kids too.

   *Voted most likely to cause others to say,, "oh here we go"

   My thigh gap is reserved for holding french fries while I drive.

   Coworker asked me to lunch and I didn't have the heart to say no so I planted drugs in his desk and got him fired.

   I will judge you based on what your teen-aged daughter wears on Halloween

   Congrats to LeBron for being the first person in human history to successfully escape Ohio and then go back by choice.

   Dear guy in the mens bathroom: Man rule # 1 - If there's 5 urinals and I'm in urinal #1, don't come park it at urinal #2! Your man card is suspended

   The year is 2026. The iPhone18 is the size of a dump truck. Everything is automatically sepia toned. Air is pumpkin spice flavored.