Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   going to hide in the wallmart clothes rack and say welcome to narnia

   I heard Jesse James honored Earth Day yesterday by picking up trash...

   I Didn't Marry You Because I Wanted To Live With You.., I Married You Because I Couldn't Live Without You...

   If dumping 50,000 barrels of mud on the oil leak fails, BP plans to simply cover the Gulf of Mexico with a large area rug.

   got a new toilet brush, I tried it, but I think I'm going to stick with the paper.

   I love all of the sexual harassment jokes that everyone says at sexual harassment training.

   If your birthstone is gravel, you might be a redneck.

   My 13 year old daughter just lit up a cigarette at the dinner table. I've never been more furious. And she did it right in front of her kids too.

   *Voted most likely to cause others to say,, "oh here we go"

   My thigh gap is reserved for holding french fries while I drive.

   Coworker asked me to lunch and I didn't have the heart to say no so I planted drugs in his desk and got him fired.

   I will judge you based on what your teen-aged daughter wears on Halloween

   Congrats to LeBron for being the first person in human history to successfully escape Ohio and then go back by choice.

   Dear guy in the mens bathroom: Man rule # 1 - If there's 5 urinals and I'm in urinal #1, don't come park it at urinal #2! Your man card is suspended

   The year is 2026. The iPhone18 is the size of a dump truck. Everything is automatically sepia toned. Air is pumpkin spice flavored.

   Honestly, I have no idea what I would even do with 5 hours of energy.

   “Dude things are messed up with Syria.” “Yeah. I hope she performs better in iPhone 6.” I have stupid, really stupid friends

   So, when is this Old Enough To Know Better thing supposed to kick in?

   If you don’t have anything nice to say, come sit by me, and we can make fun of people together.

   Me: *kisses her on both cheeks goodbye* Cashier: That's really not necessary