Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I see a Scion in my rearview mirror I always pull over and let it pass so no one's late to the Hoobastank concert.

   Change your wifi password to blowmefirst, then wait for someone to ask for your wifi password.

   You’re the shampoo in the eyes of my life.

   Congratulations to CNN for having the longest running TV show in TV history: Malaysia Flight 370

   Me and my girlfriend, ,, sitting in a tree A-R-G-U-I-N-G

   I told my wife she just needed to embrace her mistakes. She wept softly...and then hugged me.

   Remember: Before you were Mommy's little darling you were Daddy's little squirt.

   I never understand when people say that the Mona Lisa was Leonardo da Vinci's best work. He was pretty damned good in the Titanic if you ask me.

   I phoned my wife earlier. "I'm just setting off from work, do you want me to pick up fish and chips on my way home?" It was met with a stony silence. I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

   They should paint the bottom of swimming pools with satellite photos so it feels like you’re flying.

   What idiot decided to call them marijuana dispensaries and not grass stations?

   Wait... which one of the Hansen boys grew up to be Taylor Swift?

   feeling like a tampon; in a good place, but at the wrong time

   Women should have one of those mood ring stones glued to their forehead.

   If I get murdered at any given time...my chalk outline will be holding a beer.

   Naked and Afraid also describes the last time I spent a night at a Holiday Inn

   I'm in no position to cast the first stone, but I'll be happy to cast the next five or six.

   So now it's offensive to say All Lives Matter? I thought you wanted equality?

   I once peed a girl's name in the snow, so don't tell me I don't know romance.

   The Internet is a lot like ancient Egypt, people writing on walls and worshipping cats