Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I told my wife she just needed to embrace her mistakes. She wept softly...and then hugged me.

   Remember: Before you were Mommy's little darling you were Daddy's little squirt.

   I never understand when people say that the Mona Lisa was Leonardo da Vinci's best work. He was pretty damned good in the Titanic if you ask me.

   I phoned my wife earlier. "I'm just setting off from work, do you want me to pick up fish and chips on my way home?" It was met with a stony silence. I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

   They should paint the bottom of swimming pools with satellite photos so it feels like you’re flying.

   What idiot decided to call them marijuana dispensaries and not grass stations?

   Wait... which one of the Hansen boys grew up to be Taylor Swift?

   feeling like a tampon; in a good place, but at the wrong time

   Women should have one of those mood ring stones glued to their forehead.

   If I get murdered at any given time...my chalk outline will be holding a beer.

   Naked and Afraid also describes the last time I spent a night at a Holiday Inn

   I'm in no position to cast the first stone, but I'll be happy to cast the next five or six.

   So now it's offensive to say All Lives Matter? I thought you wanted equality?

   I once peed a girl's name in the snow, so don't tell me I don't know romance.

   The Internet is a lot like ancient Egypt, people writing on walls and worshipping cats

   Help!!!!! I just took a bunch of these blue pills because some asian dude told me today was E-R-E-C-T-I-O-N day.

   With talk of Puerto Rico becoming the next state, we should consider adding three states. Since 53 is a prime number, we would be "one nation, indivisible".

   I bet Billy Mays is up in Heaven partying like its $19.99

   I like reverse cowgirl because he can't see me tweeting and updating my Facebook status.

   there another Harbaugh brother out there who the Bengals can hire? I'd even settle for a cousin.