Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I drink while I work out. I call it Bacardio.

   The rules were already broken when I got here.

   I don't know how anybody gets attacked by sharks...As soon as I heard that first, "Dun, Dun." I'd be out of there.

   Today I shall rise to the occasion and be magnificent. I shall conquer all tasks set before me and not falter in my diligence to fulfill my duties with honor....haha, just kidding.

   I may look calm, but in my head I've punched you in the face 3 times!

   If I win the lottery, all of my neighbors are going to be rich!!! I'm going to move to a rich neighborhood!

   My New Years Resolution is to be more positive and less sarcastic...I wonder how long this bull$hit fantasy will last.

   Never mistake my silence for weakness. Always remember, no smart person plans a murder out loud.

   There's a fine line between crazy and free spirited and it's usually a prescription.

   How come we live in a world where lemonade is made from artificial flavors & furniture polish is made from real lemons?

   Be thankful for Facebook, the way gas prices are headed we may never actually see each other again.

   The biggest difference between men and women is what comes to mind when the word "facial" is used.

   Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it's on.

   I wish "you dumbass" was an appropriate way to end a work email

   Your baby was cute until I realized you’re on the same flight as me. Now your baby is stupid.

   New research reported that men enjoy snuggling. A second study showed that men will say anything to get a researcher into bed.

   I hope all you moms out there had a great Mother's Day! (If you're not a mom but would like to be, message me for details)

   If steroids and other performance enhancing drugs are illegal for athletes, shouldn't Photoshop be illegal for models?

   Well that's a wrap on another day where I act like I know what I'm doing

   With great power comes a great electric bill