Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats my wife is worth.

   Hug a tree. Then rub your hands along it's trunk and tell it how knotty it is.

   Just heard a story that teens are soaking tampons in alcohol to prevent parents from smelling it on their breath. Did they quit selling gum?

   I hate when people win the lottery and insist that money won't change them, but then refuse to ever eat cat food again.

   My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It's one part rum, three parts pum.

   On his girlfriend's birthday, a guy took her to the car sale. Pointing at a tomato red BMW, he says, "Happy birthday honey! You see that red car? I bought you nail polish in the same colour”.

   I get made fun of sometimes for being an ole dumb country boy but let me ask you something, when the economy finally falls what's gonna be more important to know? How to plant a garden, fish and hunt or knowing what then fancy opera singers is ah sayin?

   Start texting "Let's get naked." to random people, you'll eventually get laid. I promise.

   Inspirational status of the day: Don't be a douche.

   Dear phone. If you wouldn't remind me every ten seconds that my battery was low, I'd be able to finish my status upda

   People come in many colors. Orange should not be one of them.

   If I was stranded on a desert island & could only bring 1 thing, I would bring Dora. That b!tch has everything in her backpack

   No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

   Valentines Day is next week! Or Tuesday, as I refer to it.

   Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner said that the wierdest thing about transforming into a woman is that he still likes watching football but he no longer really understands it.

   Why is it that the people who are loudest about demanding respect are the same ones who have done the least to earn it?

   I just saw 30 seconds of Glee and now I'm gay. Send glitter.

   Miley Cyrus is not unique. I have been having full body spasms and licking random objects for decades.

   The Swiss must've been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.

   Soccer weanies...Oh, you bumped into me! I'll fall to the ground and pretend I was hit by a bus!