Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   laughs at people who put vague facebook statuses that are written to get comments. something like: “Yeah, alright!” – it's like they are writing “please ask me why I am happy”

   The first thing I'm going to do when I get home tonight is go to the bedroom and take my wife's underwear off..She would kill me if she knew I had them on the whole day.

   Life is too short to care about being skinny. I LOVE FOOD. Plus, there's plenty of time to be skinny when I'm dead.:-)

   my fripples are nozen.

   Whenever chicks make that duck face in pictures... I like to imagine it's cause they just got donkey punched in the back of the head.

   If it wasn't for pricks like me, all you c*cksuckers would starve to death.

   Facebook needs to add "P*ssy Whipped" to it's relationship status.

   If Apple bought out ihop no one would ever know..

   When I handwrite an entire page it looks like I've had a stroke by paragraph two.

   I'm dating a woman that's half my height... I'm nuts over her

   I watched Abc's show 'Happy Ending'....totally not what I expected. It was a regular show. WTF! haha!!!!(mood:cheated)

   You know you are drunk if you swerve to miss a tree than realize it is the air freshener hangin from your mirror

   Don't worry about what people say about you. I mean, my shower saw me naked. Imagine what its telling the toaster?

   at Walmart shopping the other day & heard a woman come over the loud speaker,"Attention Kmart Shoppers..." There was a long pause & then she said,"You're in the wrong store."

   people who migrate to another country should be expected to respect that culture as in no flag burning and wishing that OUR troops should be killed. They should be deported or arrested for treason

   best pickup line of the day..."Ya wanna f**k or do I owe you an apology?"

   My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.

   Leonard B. Stern inventor of Mad Libs died yesterday of EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA. He is survived by his lovely PLATYPUS, CLARABELLE and his 99 LAWN DARTS. He will truly be A DINOSAUR

   some days 25 to life just seems like it would be worth it!!!!!

   Does anyone else find F5 to be a very refreshing button to press?