Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Got a job at Bed, Bath, & Beyond. I start tomorrow. In the Beyond department.

   If I was a cab driver, I'd whisper "I could have kept you" to passengers before they got out

   The best way to end a conversation is by raising both middle fingers.

   My ex told me "You don't take our relationship seriously anymore its over." "Finish your sentence, over." I giggled into my pretend walkie talkie.

   I just read a list of "100 things to do before you die." I'm surprised "yell for help" didn't make the list.

   I may be reading too much into this, but I'm pretty sure this girl I met is stalking me... I saw her google my name last night through my binoculars.. I nearly fell out of the tree!!

   laughs at people who put vague facebook statuses that are written to get comments. something like: “Yeah, alright!” – it's like they are writing “please ask me why I am happy”

   If it wasn't for pricks like me, all you c*cksuckers would starve to death.

   Facebook needs to add "P*ssy Whipped" to it's relationship status.

   If Apple bought out ihop no one would ever know..

   When I handwrite an entire page it looks like I've had a stroke by paragraph two.

   The first thing I'm going to do when I get home tonight is go to the bedroom and take my wife's underwear off..She would kill me if she knew I had them on the whole day.

   Life is too short to care about being skinny. I LOVE FOOD. Plus, there's plenty of time to be skinny when I'm dead.:-)

   my fripples are nozen.

   Whenever chicks make that duck face in pictures... I like to imagine it's cause they just got donkey punched in the back of the head.

   I'm dating a woman that's half my height... I'm nuts over her

   I watched Abc's show 'Happy Ending'....totally not what I expected. It was a regular show. WTF! haha!!!!(mood:cheated)

   You know you are drunk if you swerve to miss a tree than realize it is the air freshener hangin from your mirror

   Don't worry about what people say about you. I mean, my shower saw me naked. Imagine what its telling the toaster?

   at Walmart shopping the other day & heard a woman come over the loud speaker,"Attention Kmart Shoppers..." There was a long pause & then she said,"You're in the wrong store."