Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Last week the people who wanted to delay Obamacare were called legislative arsonists and terrorists who were holding the country hostage. This week they’re called Democrats

   I'm thinking Dr. Murray will probably get a harsher sentence since Michael Jackson was white at the time of his death......just saying

   enought with your mama jokes already. Time for a daddy joke...Your daddy so ugly....he had to resort to doing it with your mama!

   A blind man walks into a shop with his dog. Suddenly,the man picks up the dog by the tail and swings it around his head. The horrified shopkeeper asks "Excuse me,sir?? Can I help you?". Blind man says "No thanks. Just having a look around."

   "Do you know why I pulled you over today?" Umm... was it so I could answer your damn riddles? Officer, you know perfectly well what I did. Let's get this done so I can get back to being late for work.

   Hold me close, young Tony Danza. Old school Elton John. Never gets old.

   proud of herself. She finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.

   - I got stopped by a woman in the street today.... She said, "Excuse me, sir, have you had an accident in the last three years that wasn't your fault?" I said, "Yes, she's nearly 2 now."........

   went to a karaoke bar that had no 70's songs. At first I was afraid, I was petrified.

   What do you call 10 white guys sitting on a bench? The NBA.

   I picked up a Chinese girl last night at a New Year Celebration...we ended up at my place and things got pretty hot. She asked what I wanted, so I said, "69." She said, "You want Beef with Broccoli?"

   Betty White naked...whoops this isnt Google..

   Whenever I meet a new girl I shake her hand with my left hand. I wouldn't want her to meet her competition right away.

   You will you be my Valentine....for an hour....and we won't exchange gifts...and we skip the night out....and just have sex?

   Was watching an episode of hoarders last night and was thinking that they should change the name of it to ''i'm really lazy and I don't want to clean my house''!!!

   I can't get a job ...because I don't have any experience! How will I ever get experience if no one gives me a chance!

   That moment when you pour yourself a bowl of cereal and discover there's no milk so you just sit there, wondering why bad things happen to good people?

   I like to walk up to strangers and ask, "Would you take a photo of me?" If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.

   FYI: Don't eat the gray cotton candy that comes out of that slot in the dryer

   McDonald's Management Rule #23: "The employee with the most severe accent or speech impediment must work the drive-thru at all times."