Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   went to a karaoke bar that had no 70's songs. At first I was afraid, I was petrified.

   What do you call 10 white guys sitting on a bench? The NBA.

   I picked up a Chinese girl last night at a New Year Celebration...we ended up at my place and things got pretty hot. She asked what I wanted, so I said, "69." She said, "You want Beef with Broccoli?"

   Betty White naked...whoops this isnt Google..

   Whenever I meet a new girl I shake her hand with my left hand. I wouldn't want her to meet her competition right away.

   You will you be my Valentine....for an hour....and we won't exchange gifts...and we skip the night out....and just have sex?

   Was watching an episode of hoarders last night and was thinking that they should change the name of it to ''i'm really lazy and I don't want to clean my house''!!!

   I can't get a job ...because I don't have any experience! How will I ever get experience if no one gives me a chance!

   That moment when you pour yourself a bowl of cereal and discover there's no milk so you just sit there, wondering why bad things happen to good people?

   I like to walk up to strangers and ask, "Would you take a photo of me?" If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.

   FYI: Don't eat the gray cotton candy that comes out of that slot in the dryer

   McDonald's Management Rule #23: "The employee with the most severe accent or speech impediment must work the drive-thru at all times."

   Black Parents: "When we get in this Restaurant you 8, OKAY?" Son: But mama I'm 12 . Mom: *SMACK* "Listen Here, Yo a$s is 8 you hear me?!"

   Did anybody ever end up getting Jay-Z a what what? I think he also asked for a woop woop.

   you ever drink so much when your sitting on the coach and you start looking for a seatbelt.

   "It's impossible," said pride. "It's risky," said experience. "It's pointless," said reason. "Give it a try," whispered the heart.

   wonders who is going to play the chick with the 3 boobs in the Total Recall remake... (o)(o)o)

   China has largest population not because the men are extra horny nor women are extra fertile but because... Their condoms are made in China.

   thinks it's kind of cruel that those people who fought in WWII and survived Mustard Gas and Pepper Spray are now referred to as 'Seasoned Veterans'....

   what do you call a Chinese man with a camera?....... Phil Ming