Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I still say I heard someone talking from under that sheet when we tossed the body overboard, but whatever. Can't go back in time.

   was preparing for Sunday, but I just realized that post-rapture looting makes no sense because so many of us will still be here. Particularly people in public office and law enforcement.... : (

   Dear Punxsutawney Phil, If you are not frozen, please come out of your little home tomorrow morning with your eyes closed(so you don't see your shadow) and flip everyone off. That should sum up this winter.

   waiting for wolf blitzer to invite the situation to the situation room ....

   The uneasy moment when you can't understand someone even though they repeated themselves 5 times.

   FACEBOOK - helping people get sh*t off their chest since 2007

   I believe in Karma That means I should be able to do bad things to people I don't like and assume they deserved it .

   When reality kicks in… add more booze.

   You should see the places I've been on my stationary bike

   The tortoise and the hare is a classic fable, but the moral only helps you when racing a guy who takes a nap with a big enough lead.

   When the wife and kids go on vacation, I always keep the neighbors on edge by placing rectangular mounds of dirt throughout the yard.

   There should be three options for facebook posts. "Like", "Dislike", and "Yep, I'm In The 95 Percentile That Doesn't Get It".

   I wonder what happened to those sexy female bodyguards of Ghaddafi.

   You know you're irritated when somebody tells you to "have a nice day" and you respond with, "Don't tell me what to do!" -__-

   Facebook seriously needs to start asking some people, “Are you SURE you want to post that stupidity?" before it allows them to update their status.

   Turns out they'll sell a wizard hat to just anybody!

   Ahh, Subway. It's the only place on Earth where you can force a woman to make you a sandwich and she can't tell you to f$ck off.

   Dumb girls....... Quit trying to look like us in photos, it's embarrassing to our species. Sincerely, Ducks.

   Maybe it's just me, but I don't mind when a woman gives me the silent treatment...I can finally hear the t.v. then!

   yesterday the ladies celebrated "National No Bra Day." Today the men celebrate "Back To Eye Contact Day" (worst holiday of the year).