Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know you're getting old when Happy Hour is a nap.

   If I could fly, I'd probably still just sit around and complain alot.

   My amazing existence should qualify as a community service.

   India's population before the blackout was 1.2 Billion....After the blacout its supposed to gorow by another 300 million:)

   My morning glory is lots of coffee and nobody contacting me before noon.

   My 6 year old tried to karate chop a watermelon at the supermarket. Thanks Fruit Ninja

   Stand for what you believe in. Or sit on the couch and have a couple of donuts. It's a free country really.

   I just found a liquor store that gives air-miles. Should be visiting the Great Wall of China next week!!!

   How come everything with mexican origins is devastating....el nino...derecho winds.....taco bell.

   I wish I could have sex for everytime I was turned down for sex

   I get it, you're an a$$hole. You don't have to keep proving it to me.

   I like to welcome visitors to my home with a warm, and sincere 'Goodbye'.

   I prefer to drink in the comfort of my own home where I can yell and scream at the ones I love in peace and quiet.

   Facebook is a great way to connect with boring people who are bad at the internet.

   It's not you, It's your posts,, Wait ? You write them,, Nevermind, It's you

   Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.

   I passed out on the sidewalk, because a jeep full of douchebags, wearing too much Axe Body spray just went by.

   Often we fail to appreciate those closest to us... Soooo, go waaaaaaaay over there, I would appreciate it...

   Life is way too short to have matching socks.

   Your coffee was getting cold - Was the best excuse I could come up with after my boss caught me farting in his beverage.