Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I planned to work out and have a nice body for people to look at this summer, but then I remembered I like food more than I like people...

   If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified

   Quick! While the Government is shut down, let's create a new one.

   I spent the last night defrosting the fridge. Or, Foreplay as she calls it.

   Some girls don't like to walk in the rain because it puts their face back to the default factory settings...

   I may be broker than the Tooth Fairy in a house full of meth addicts; BUT I'm better off than the armless guy watching porn.

   My Deep Thought: Don't flatter yourself by thinking I'm trying to get into your pants. When It's quite obvious you appear to have difficulty getting into them yourself.

   Today I noticed that the cover of my ironing board was wrinkled, and I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because of the word "irony."

   When I was younger I use to carry an extra pair of panties in my purse in case I got lucky. Now I carry them in case I sneeze

   Don't run with bagpipes, you could put an aye out. Or worse, you could get kilt.

   so what's up with these people in Pakistan getting stoned to death? What kind of weed are they growing there?

   Went to a trendy night club. Doorman: "Sorry you can't come in you've had to many." Me: "I haven't been drinking." Doorman: "No not to many drinks........ To many Birthdays."

   Bill Cosby ain't gonna like the type of "pudding pops" he's gonna be gettin in prison.

   Instead of testing products on animals, how about testing on people who don’t say thank you after you hold the door open for them. Just a suggestion.

   I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. "My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl."

   The buttons on my jeans have started Social Distancing from each other.

   I bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It just craps on the floor.

   So is every room in a Trump hotel now a presidential suite?

   I'm pretty sure the mailman is stealing my Nigerian lottery checks.

   My wife wanted to try something different in bed last night. So we had sex.