Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.

   Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place

   I planned to work out and have a nice body for people to look at this summer, but then I remembered I like food more than I like people...

   So is every room in a Trump hotel now a presidential suite?

   I'm pretty sure the mailman is stealing my Nigerian lottery checks.

   My wife wanted to try something different in bed last night. So we had sex.

   He died doing what he loved: Wearing a floral print romper to a biker bar.

   I have an image of Jesus that pops up on my monitor if I leave it idle for 15 minutes. It's my screen savior.

   O.J. Simpson is now available for the next season's Dancing With The Stars.

   If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified

   The buttons on my jeans have started Social Distancing from each other.

   I bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It just craps on the floor.

   Today I noticed that the cover of my ironing board was wrinkled, and I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because of the word "irony."

   When I was younger I use to carry an extra pair of panties in my purse in case I got lucky. Now I carry them in case I sneeze

   Don't run with bagpipes, you could put an aye out. Or worse, you could get kilt.

   Quick! While the Government is shut down, let's create a new one.

   I spent the last night defrosting the fridge. Or, Foreplay as she calls it.

   Some girls don't like to walk in the rain because it puts their face back to the default factory settings...

   I may be broker than the Tooth Fairy in a house full of meth addicts; BUT I'm better off than the armless guy watching porn.

   My Deep Thought: Don't flatter yourself by thinking I'm trying to get into your pants. When It's quite obvious you appear to have difficulty getting into them yourself.