Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   WORK is AWESOME!! It's the only way to get constantly screwed 5 days in a row without the fear of pregnancy or disease.. Just saying..

   "The hardest part of the business is minding your own."

   Just saw an advertisement for Farmville that said "Sheep breeding is here." Is there something going on in there that I should be concerned about?

   Scrolling down your Facebook News Feed can sometimes be just like scrolling down the spam folder in your yahoo mail.

   I imagine rolling around in money feels a lot better when it's not coins

   always hold out your hand when someone is counting money in front of you, just incase

   Life was so much easier when girls had cooties!

   All women are beautiful........UNTIL you enlarge their profile picture.

   Tottenham's bids to sign David Beckham and Phil Neville failed after they missed the transfer deadline... By 7 years.

   Some old people are driving vehicles right now and don't even know it.

   wondering what the person who discovered the somersault was doing to discover it. He had to be crazy

   mmm nothings more manly then watching a man hold shake-weights next to his face while grunting with exaggeritated force

   I'd like you more if facebook didn't update me on all your stupid thoughts……I said to myself….

   women are attracted to danger... and there's nothing more dagerous than running with scissors.

   20mph school zones are only making our children's reaction time worse.

   Plot twist: WebMD says you're just thirsty

   Sorry I got drunk and angry and said all those things I meant but still shouldn’t have said.

   I'd like to be offended by sex. Where do I register?

   Officer that's a medicinal hooker I swear !

   Did someone wake up Ronda, I'm sure she had things to do today.