Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I stand by the unlikely threat I made when I thought you couldn’t hear me.
←Rate | 04-12-2018 00:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon * The older I get the earlier it gets late.
←Rate | 04-13-2018 23:26 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Who else's favorite Spring time game is "Guess how deep that pothole really is."
←Rate | 04-18-2018 22:01 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sure your baby's cute but have you ever seen a chihuahua with the hiccups?
←Rate | 04-16-2018 02:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Not to brag, but I have been referred to as "exhausting."
←Rate | 04-18-2018 14:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Most all the women I meet in bars think I have a nice butt. Because as I walk away from them after talking to them. I hear them say "what an ass."
←Rate | 04-18-2018 23:09 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon My wife is an animal in bed, a sloth..
←Rate | 04-15-2018 11:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon ;) A mistress is someone between a mister and a mattress
←Rate | 04-13-2018 02:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Somehow I thought growing up would involve more than staring at my phone
←Rate | 03-24-2018 09:21 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Relationship status: Maybe it’s time I learn to crochet
←Rate | 04-12-2018 00:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A guy in a leather jacket told me that if I gave him a hundred dollars he'd give me three hundred back in a month. It sounded too good to be true, but then I realized that it was just a Fonzi scheme.
←Rate | 04-19-2018 08:03 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When someone walks away from me shaking their head, I totally agree.
←Rate | 04-17-2018 13:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I make self-sabotage look like an art form.
←Rate | 04-16-2018 15:10 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Today is the tomorrow we worried about yesterday.
←Rate | 04-16-2018 23:11 by Just.a.thought Comments (0)  

   messageicon People who are about to tell you something then say "never mind" are the reason why I sometimes admire serial killers
←Rate | 04-17-2018 04:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I carry a kazoo in my fanny pack in case anyone initiates small talk.
←Rate | 04-15-2018 12:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you think men are the stronger sex, watch a man react when the girlfriend says "what did you just say to me?"
←Rate | 04-17-2018 12:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don’t think we can get through adulthood without a good sense of humor and a strong middle finger.
←Rate | 04-17-2018 13:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just sung Mariah Carey's "Hero" to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
←Rate | 04-16-2018 14:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just tried to unfriend someone I am not even friends with.
←Rate | 04-15-2018 12:12 Comments (0)  

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